To Flip or to Flop

No Speeding wearing flip flops on Playa Paco

I must admit I was caught twice speeding here in Spain without my flip flops on. The first time was when I was running from my sun bed which was third line on the beach through the hot burning sand to get into the sea.

Leaving a path of destruction through the sun beds and umbrellas behind me. Some children were sobbing uncontrollably because I had destroyed their sand castles.

Paco reprimanded me. “Señor! No speeding allowed on Playa Paco!”

It was a sort of “Ahhhhhh!… Oooooooh!” moment as my feet submerged into the freezing Mediterranean I swear you could see the steam rising and the sea bubbling.

Some grey mullet surfaced gasping for air in the surrounding water and jellyfish were spinning around like tops. This was not due to my foot quenching but the hoards of people relieving themselves in the shallow waters.

You can easily spot the secret leakers as they apprehensively look around waist deep in the sea whilst walking along doing the actions of the breast stroke and whistling some none existent tune.

When they stop doing the imaginary swimming and stand still shivering with both hands clasped together on their chest then their eyes screw up and close as they stand open mouthed with their chattering teeth gritted together and let out a sigh……… “Oooooooooh! Pardon me!” as some bubbles rise and pop behind them.

The covert operation is completed by turning towards the beach and waving their swimming costume to anybody who they think was watching. They then dive headlong into the surf and swim like mad to escape the effluent that they have left behind.

I digress, so anyway the second time I was caught by Trafico on the N-340 I had just re-dipped my bare sweaty smelly feet into the Talc tray when I noticed flashing blue lights in the rear view mirror.

They gestured for me to pull over I was having none of that. I had heard all about these jokers pulling people over and robbing them.

I vigorously gestured back as if shaking the last drops of tomato sauce from the bottle onto my chips.

When I ran out of petrol I pulled over and got out of the car. They stood back with their pistols drawn commenting and looking at my white powdered feet.

“Jejejeje!…..Turistas blancos!……. Jejejejeje estúpido hombre!” One said. He then asked for my documents.

“D’oh!” I gushed into tears.

“I notice you have no road tax on your car amigo. Do you know it is an offence to drive on our roads here in Spain with British number plates? Do you have your ITV?”

“Yes! I watch Coronation Street all the time.” I explained with my head held back and my chest puffing out with pride.

“So amigo what is your address and NIE number? Let us see your ID card? Jejejejejejejejej! Amigo you are so funny. Your driving licence is an English one señor. You are required to have a Spanish driving licence. This is another big fine for you as you have been in our country for many years.”

“I have not I regularly travel back to England.”  I explained through the tears.

“We have checked your history on our database and you have a long list of unpaid speeding offences in Spain going back over many years.” The stern faced ones tone took a nasty turn.

The officer took the fifty euro note that I gave him and rolled it up into a straw. He then asked me to lift my foot up onto his colleagues bent knee and he took a long deep line off my toes and fainted!

Flop he went down like a sack of potatoes. “Flip me!” I thought to myself.

The other officer commented “Good stuff eh! Amigo!” He then coshed my back to kingdom come. Slappity!……… Slap!………..Slap!

“Muchas gracias!……………Ahhhhhh! Just a bit lower por favor! Oooooh!”

So be warned my fellow countrymen wear suitable footwear when driving in Spain and make sure you have all the correct documentation.

 

The comment below is imported from my previous blog.

More says:

26 July 2009 21:53

God, you are SO incredibly hilarious, well done.

 

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About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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