The President

Rules are for them! Not us!

Why are good spirited and community minded souls mad to take on this challenge? Why do they endure the daily criticism? Life is twenty four seven with complaints and problems despite his or her efforts to run a fair and balanced community. Most of the community rants are justifiable but are non-starters for being resolved even though they have merit. The rewards are great, tick off a few items off a priorities list and you will probably get re-elected for another year.

I have had many cups of tea with good friends who are Presidents and had a go at being the vice president for one year. I have lived in four communities and have taken part in the usual tittle tattle and gossip.

Having a daily chat around the pool with other owners about the meaning of life. ‘Oh my God! Look at who has turned up again this year!’

One thing strikes me is their sixth sense, how do they know we are talking about them? How come they or their dads were friends of the Krays? I knew them they had no mates although my dad told me when I was a baby Charlie used to walk me around in my pram. When I met him with my friend Albert the last time he was out from his holiday at HM’s pleasure he could recall dad but had no recollection of ever pushing a pram around our local park in Stepney with me in it.

Horizontal Property Law

Sounds good everything is covered for any future problems within the community there is a remedy for everything you can think of. The Town Hall are on your side. Great!

No problems for you in the future the developer and constructor will honour their obligations with construction faults. Any snagging issues will be dealt with promptly. It is all in the paperwork from your lawyer. Excellent!

The administrators are the best in Spain ‘We are running this development as a residential site not as a holiday complex where the guests think they have more rights than the owners.’ Fantastic!

AGM’s and EGM’s generally end in agreement on the statutes and rules for the community. We are in this together as a community Wonderful!

A well run Community will add thousands of euros in value to a modest property. A beautiful home on a poorly run community will lose thousands of euros in value. You know it makes sense! It is after all your dream investment.

The President on his daily patrol of the community

Horizontal Property Law and Statutes

Awnings

‘Blue awnings look much better than those yellow and white ones every one else has.’

‘But in the statutes you cannot do that it has been voted on and agreed. Everybody else has complied with the colour for the awnings when the next AGM comes round you will have a problem.’

‘I have just paid over a thousand euros for these awnings if you or anybody else wants to pay to replace them fine. I’m not paying for another lot.’

Exterior

‘Sweet Joseph and Mary to be sure dat cladding is a beautiful job.’

‘Gerry what on earth have you done, the community can only be painted in white.’

‘Bog off! You told me to remove the pebble dashing and I have?

Air Conditioning

‘Did you tell those air conditioning fitters that they could not put the units on the facade wall like that? You asked me about it and I told you where they had to be placed.’

‘I know but when you fit the units like every one else around the corner of the building the noise goes right through the bedrooms when the windows are open and my Chardonnay and Brooklyn cannot get off to sleep.’

‘You do realise that the Town Hall will issue a move order and take proceedings for you to move them. This is bound to raised by other owners at the next AGM.’

Satellite Dishes

‘Good grief! I have only been away for a week how on earth did they manage to put five satellite dishes up on block fours roof?’

‘We are fed up with Spanish television programmes we all wanted Sky put on.’

‘I have told you time and time again we cannot have these dishes sited on the roof the only place they can be installed is where the community aerials are sited.’

‘But the technician said we would require over two hundred metres of cable to site them there, and we would have no signal.’

‘You will have to take them down.’

‘What are you the satellite dish police now?’

‘Who has taken down the TDT mast?’

‘Not me!’

‘Why are the roof tiles on the pathway? Have the idiots who you had install the dishes dislodged them?’

‘I was down the beach all day.’

Permission for change of appearance to the building

Roof garden

‘What a monstrosity you cannot be serious that garden shed will have to come down off your roof terrace.’

‘Yeah! Right!’

‘For goodness sake you are bringing the whole tone of the community into the gutter have you got no respect for the community appearance.’

‘No!’

‘I have not given any permission for that structure your neighbours are going to go mad when they come out on holiday.’

‘Yeah! Right!’

No towels or laundry over the balconies, use a laundry stand

Considerate

‘I am using the laundry stand.’

‘Yes I realize that but it is blocking your next door neighbours access to their front door. You will have to put it on your terrace.’

‘How do you expect it to get dry in the shade at the back.’

‘Well I think it makes the place look lived in all those pretty colours hanging over the side. By the way could you get my smalls from the ground floor apartment he says he has not got them but look you can see some among my sheets and towels in his garden.’

‘If I want to hang our towels over the balcony It is none of your business, frag off.’

Parking

‘That’s funny the underground garage entrance doors look like they are stuck open again try the zapper.’

‘Watch it! Mind that child on the skateboard one day that guy in the Chelsea tractor will get him.’

‘Is that the same skateboarder that has broken all the tiles on the wheelchair ramps? And who’s car is that in our parking bay? Put a note on it again.’

‘No it’s not him it’s a different car. Why can’t they read that’s our number on the floor and that’s our storeroom.’

‘Did you see that? That lot have skidded into Joe’s car on that quad bike he did not get paid by the insurance last year when those skateboarders came down the slope and smashed his door in on the other side.’

‘No he did not! Nothing for the dent on his bonnet either he collected that one from that game of football that they had down here. Let’s get the shopping out and get the lift up.’

‘Mind that lot on the mini motorbikes they will kill you if they get you. What is the matter with the lift it’s taking ages? I hope it has not broken down again.’

‘Christ the heat down here I think I am going to melt. Look at that I thought that bloke from the block up the other end had to stop doing car repairs down here?’

‘It looks like he has started again still I suppose that was on the cards since he was stopped doing the bouncy castle hire from his garden apartment that air compressor used to annoy everyone up that end of the complex with it’s noisy motor going all day.’

‘The row he caused he had the electricity to run that wired up from the light circuit for the community street lamps. Look he is running that portable air conditioning unit from the community electricity in his storeroom.’

‘What about that giant inflatable banana he used to advertise his bouncy castles on? Mind that oil on the floor. I must ask if his brother still got the landscaping contract.

The gardens are getting in a right mess.’

‘It’s a right mess down here again with all the carriers full of household rubbish strewn over the garage again.’

‘Here’s the lift.’ Six kids come rushing out and crash into them.

‘Come on before the others find us yeah!’

‘Were the eggs in that carrier?’

‘Still it’s not as bad when we were up in Alicanté, the amount of times we could not go anywhere because someone parked across the gates to the drive.’

‘What about that one who blocked our gates off that night and it turned out he had flown back to the UK, When the President got hold of him he said the engine had blown and it had no taxed or had a valid MOT for years.’

‘I wonder if it’s still across next doors drive? We will have to go back up there one day and have a look.’

Rules – Shut It

The gate, yes you know that thing that keeps out the undesirables and outsiders from using your facilities that you pay all those fees for.

Here are a few tips for a handy kit for those just going outside the community for a few hours, a rock to wedge the gate open. If a rock is not available a stack of pamphlets are always handy at the entrance you can use these. Another simple option is using duck tape to prevent the door locking by taping over the mechanism. A bungee to hold the gate open this is nice and easy just attach one end to the gate and the other to the side fence. If none of these ideas are useful a screwdriver is a ‘must have’ just remove the lock,  these hints will save you the trouble of using a key!

Just popping down the road

‘How do my kids get back in from the mini market with my beers and fags? When they play hide and seek they are always losing the keys I can’t keep on buying keys.

‘You could tell them to close the gate and use the key code to get back in.’

Code what code? You changed it from last year the new one is not on the notice board.’

No Remote controller

‘Ah! Are you the President I have been looking for you. When we got here this morning off our delayed flight, they had lost our luggage, not only that the hire car had the steering wheel on the wrong side. When we arrived here we could not get through the main gates the owners did not tell us we had to have a zapper.’

‘Are you the person who dismantled the gate mechanism that I found on the floor?’

’Look it was not me what are you accusing me of there was a big queue of us it could have been any of that lot coming in. Anyway I could not get an answer at your house for a zapper so I knocked up your neighbour I think it was about two a.m. They said you had gone off to the country for a pool party and you did not leave a contact number. Do you know that we have got two lights that do not work? The fridge was not on and it had no food in it not even milk for cup of tea. Do you know who I am?’

‘Yes! You are the guest of Reggie at number forty five give him a call and he will get it sorted for you.’

‘I already have phoned him but Ronnie said he was busy and he said for you to wait until the next AGM and you are out.’

The Invaders

What’s this? A note to go to number eighteen with a problem to discuss ‘good morning Joe not too early for you I hope?’ The cry of the muezzin from the Moroccans roof terrace was still wailing in the distance this had woken him and number eights cockerel at sunrise.

‘I am glad that you got here early take a seat on the terrace. Would you like a tea or coffee? Coffee brandy?’

‘Damned decent of you old chap coffee brandy please. Not too much coffee in it. What is the problem you wanted to talk to me about?’

‘Just bear with me and watch this lot.’

‘What lot?’ peering with narrowed eyes through the bougainvillea covering the naya arch he spots a big motor home.

‘See that motor-home parked outside the perimeter fence?’

‘Yes it is a big one it is nearly as big as a coach’

‘Would you like some Churros?’

‘Ta! Mmmmm!’  Whilst dusting the sugar off his shorts and the table.

‘Mind that chocolate dip you will not stop once you start on that.’

‘Mmmmmm!’ licking the excess off his finger tips.’

‘More sobrano?’

‘Bit early but! Mmmmm!

It’s not long before a commotion stirs inside the motorized behemoth then they emerge. He is scratching his groin area she is scratching her nether regions. Two more fall out of the door and synchronized scratching ensues.

‘Ouch!‘ The President yelp’s as he kicks off his flip flops and swat’s the ants from his feet that are munching away on the sugar from the churros. Then following the motor home visitors very discreetly in Presidential stealth mode the hunt is on.

Towels under their arms off they go to the entrance gates for the community one of the invaders produces a screwdriver from his Mercadona carrier bag.

‘It’s OK’ she tells him ‘someone has left the gate open.’

‘I will keep it handy in case the pool gate is locked.’ They unashamedly carry on towards the pool area.

‘This is the best spot for the shade put the towels down for the others, then we can go back and cook breakfast luverly jubbly. Shush! Keep it quiet.’

They all disappear into the pool changing rooms and toilets.

As the first one exit’s. ‘Hello I am the President of this community.’

‘Top O’ the mornin to you sur!’ One says with a pleasant smile.

‘Yes quite, as it’s only seven in the morning which apartment are you staying in?’

‘We are relatives of yer owners at thurty tree.’

‘I live at thirty three.’

‘Bee’y geeyzus! Are ye sure?’

‘Please pick up your belongings and leave.’

‘The wee little ones have not been to the toilet or had a wash yet’ another one snarls gesturing towards the changing rooms.

‘No, could you kindly just leave.’

‘But our chemical toilet is full can me hoosband  just empty it here?’ One says pointing to the pool toilets.

‘No, this is private residential complex paid for by the owners.’

‘You evil swine that you are! Spoiling our holiday like this you should be ashamed of yerself.’

‘No! That’s it please leave.’

‘What about a little swim before we go?’

Missing handbags

‘Have you phoned the police?’

‘I blame you for us being robbed why have you not got the main gate repaired yet?’

‘We are waiting on the contractors who installed the gates. I told you before I am not the security guard for the development. Did you change your locks as I recommended?’

‘That reminds me what have you done about that lot that stole my handbag?’

‘They have denied it.’

‘Those drug dealing swine’s are always wandering about in here.’

‘Have you phoned the police?’

No Noise: Dink Donk V’s keepy Uppy

Why me?

‘If the rules do not apply to the owners why me I am on holiday think of the children. You cannot expect people on their holidays to stop a nice evening and barbeque at three a.m. You know we are keeping it as quiet as possible. What have you lot got against river dance? Granddad loves doing his spoons to that Flatley fella and the football the kids are kicking up and down the alley is only the plastic one. Not the real football we told them not to use that. What about her next door we cannot get any sleep when we go to bed with that sewing machine going all morning.’

Creepy midnight furniture removals

‘If they move that furniture around for another night and clomp up and down with high heel shoes on I will not be responsible for my actions. I am going to kill them.’

‘Yeah okay right you said that yesterday when they were roller skating and playing ball up there.’

‘What a crowd of inconsiderate neighbours why do they have to have the music so loud? Why are their children playing outside our front door.’

‘We have told the president a million times about them playing in the hallways. Where are their parents? Why on earth are they not playing in the community playground?’

Bruno

‘Yes I know we are not supposed to keep pets but when we took out this long let the owners said keeping three dogs was not a problem.’

‘But when you pressure wash all the mess off your terrace it runs down the facade walls and onto other peoples terraces and down onto the garden apartments property. It is absolutely disgusting especially the raw tripe. The flies are horrendous because of this and it’s a disturbance while you are out the dogs continually bark they are a nuisance for everyone.’

‘Look I have had these rottweilers for years no one else has complained. They are like babies to me and Tracy. Who is it that is moaning? Is it her next door with that parrot screeching all day? Me and the boys will have a quiet word.’

Teen rave

Fourteen teenage guests in a three bedroom quad villa enough said. The President thought out a careful strategy the best thing is to call up the owners and inform them they have to go. They probably do not realize they have rented it out to a load of yobs. It’s a good bet they have got ASBO’s as long as my arm.

‘It’s the complaints you can see the problems I am having with the all the other owners. The complaints are endless it’s taking up all my time responding to them.’

‘But it’s only little Johnny and his girlfriend and a few mates! We have phoned him and you have blown it all out of proportion! They are only having a bit of fun on their first holiday away and they fly back next Thursday. That lot next door are always moaning about us it even happens when we come over moan, moan, moan. Anyway you are the President you have nothing else to do.’

Got all the Kit

Football, basketball, bat and ball. rules paaa! ‘Why are we not allowed to play football in the communal gardens? Only last week you threw us out of the padel tennis court. Sid nearly got the ball over the penthouses. We have been trying for days now and he was almost there. We cannot play football while the world cup is on now it turns out we are not allowed to play on the balconies. Then we had to take the basketball stand down. I know it was that lot next door complaining have you heard how loud they have that telly? What is the world coming to I’m going to sell what’s wrong with a little kick about.’

Bob the builder

After banging at the apartment door for a while two dust encrusted morons emerge at the door. One has his speedo’s hanging off his body and the other is guzzling down a can of San Miguel.

‘Can we help you mate?’

‘What on earth are you doing renovations at this time of the morning for?’

‘Well! If we do not get that wall down we will be too late for a good spot on the beach. We must get there early for a good spot.’

‘No! No! No! You can only do this sort of work on the times indicated in the community rules.’

‘But I am only over for a few days!’ The owner exclaims.

‘Is that a load bearing wall you have knocked down?’

‘Load bearing?’

‘I’m a professional builder.’ Mr. Speedo retorts whilst taking his swimming goggles off.’

‘Hold on! I know you? You work at the expats bar on the paseo as a cook.’

Tranquillity

‘Oh it’s so beautiful.’

‘Yes mum how is the weather back in the UK?’

‘Pouring down with rain and windy. We have still got the central heating on. What a lovely first day is it always like this?’

Kerashhh!!!

‘Sorry about that at least it looks like you were only having a salad and that Lydl wine is only cheap. Chin up it could have been steaks! Anyway could I have the boys football back? The match is on Sky later and they love a kick about before the game.’

New balls please

‘For the last time could you please stop your children whacking the flowers down with there tennis rackets.’

‘You have a right problem with children. It’s your fault anyway if you did not throw them out of the padel tennis court for playing football they would not be playing in the flower beds.’

No rubbish to be left in the communal areas

Lazy

‘Every day they leave carrier bags full of takeaways and household rubbish outside their door, or it progresses to the lift lobby.’

‘And the flies are getting worse dear o dear the smell is awful. Does the President know?’

‘Well he will.’

‘Ah! Hello nice to meet you most of the owners call me Hitler anyway I am the President. Did the owners not leave you a copy of the rules? You see we have a section here about rubbish.’

Blast I will have to put my flip flops on that bloody long walk to the bins. You have to go right out the gates and down to the main road. I will do it later Corrie is on now. Blimey that sun goes out like a light bulb it’s a bit dark I will take it tomorrow ha! Very Spanish manana and all that. I am getting the hang of it now this Spanish way of life is better than back home. Manana, manana.

‘Who is that banging on the door at this time of the morning?  Look Mr. President I take my rubbish out every evening. I do not know who this rubbish belongs to? My God! Look at the ants everywhere.’

Hallways

‘Please could you remove that barbeque and chairs from the front hallway and those two benches while you are at it? Other owners on this floor cannot get past.’

‘When is the next AGM?’

‘That washing line will have to come down as well and get those bikes put in your storeroom.’

‘When is the next EGM?’

Barbecue

‘Your neighbour upstairs has been phoning me all day about the smoke from your barbecue. You do know that you are not allowed to have them on your balcony.’

‘Numbnuts where do expect us to put it in the lounge or one of the bedrooms you tosser?’

Swimming pool notice board

The latest graffiti reads ‘no prohibiting allowed.’

‘What notice board I cannot see it from over here? Nope nothing about rules in my apartment.’

Private Residents only

Bring your whole family here everyone is welcome who are not owners. Yes of course that includes your children’s school friends.

Also the mob from the bar no swimming costume required.

Pool hours 9:00 am. until 9:00 pm

‘There is nothing on that board about not having sex or nude swimming in the pool. Alright it was five in the morning I grant you that and I know we should not be in there until after nine this morning nobody moaned the other day at two in the morning.’

‘That’s a lie! Allegedly one of the four of you was moaning several people can back me up on that anyway apart from all that the grunting woke up everyone who live around the pool area. Senior Lopez may have lost his potential purchases the Smiths they were holidaying in number twelve. Their children woke them up crying because they thought you were hurting the one with the blonde hair. They said they will not use the pool unless we drain it.’

‘Are they accusing me of having a disease?’

‘Look numb nuts the water is on a meter here it’s already cost the community thousands of euros to drain and refill the pool three times this year because of all the eye and ear infections due to Timmy and the rest of them crapping in the pool for months on end.’

‘I’ve had it with you eff off! If they don’t like it tell them not to watch.’

Grunt was at it again the next morning a few shutters were gingerly raised but they squeak like hell. The Russian girl with him was doing handstands in the shallow end it had everyone talking for weeks about her hairy armpits and brazilian.

‘I know I’ve been told a dozen times this morning about Gerry and Martin do you want to put your name on the complaints form from the local police you know what Gerry and Martin are like?’

Best wait until the AGM then he had learned, the best thing to do was nothing, nothing at all.

No children under 8 in the main pool

‘I know what it say’s, I like to have a swim as well.’ Timmy’s angry mum yells. ‘How do you expect me to keep an eye on him if I leave him in the children’s pool?’

‘You should also know about appropriate swimwear to be worn by babies.’

‘But those special bathing nappies are hard to get and he goes through them like water especially the way his stomach plays up with the food out here. When little Timmy has an accident it’s not a lot and it does not happen every time he is in the pool. Why are you always blaming him? Other kids do it but you do not stop them from having a swim.’

‘Oh no! Look what he has done get that cleared up will you.’

‘It’s not his.’

’For the last time will you clear up that diarrhoea.’

‘Oh! Sod off you have made him cry again.’

No adults in the children’s pool under 8 years of age only

You have not understood this correctly this rule does not apply to any person with a brain age below eight. They can be easily identified by the ownership of a water pistol carrying adult blasting your back whilst you are reading this is accompanied by childish giggling while smoking a cigar in the children’s pool.

No Inflatable’s

‘Why my Timmy again look they have got two lilos and a shark. That lot with the five girls have got that massive tyre and a crocodile. Ooooh! Look I’ve never seen one that big what is it? And look at those three with the boogy boards they just missed my Timmy while he was having another little accident.’

How on earth does this happen? I get all the inflatable’s out of the pool when nobody is in swimming then by magic when I look again they are all back in!

Shower before and after swimming

‘What is the point having a shower? All I do is just go down the ladder to cool off it’s not swimming in fact I cannot swim anyway I would have to walk all the way over to the other side for a shower. Everyone looks at me.’

‘What on earth is that lotion she puts on it looks like the stuff they put on to swim the channel. The size of her she must use a tub a day it must be at least factor thirty.’

‘It’s cheap whatever it is look how cloudy the pool gets when she slithers down the ladder.’

‘Watch it when you use that ladder she has loosened the bolts on that due to her going up and down it like a yo yo all day.’

‘Blimey! Look she has cut herself on something the water is going red.’

Grimacing I reply, ‘There is a special product in the swimming pool water to detect urine.’

‘What do you reckon she weighs twenty five stone?’

‘I agree and some, that lotion must be cheap though under that sort of white lard she has burnt those folds of skin it’s like a fiery pink colour.’

‘It might be a sweat rash?’

‘Do you reckon that lotion is the white film on the water?’

‘Well I asked for the pool to be drained again someone told me Gerry and Martin were in the pool out of hours again I am not going in until next year.’

‘Tell me you are joking.’

‘Look over there see just by the skimmer.’

‘Is that condoms?’

‘Yup.’

‘I feel sick.’

No ball games

Mission impossible!

No diving, running around or jumping in the pool

MI 2

Do not bother sunbathing or reading in this area go to the beach.

No food or drink

Not applicable to non residents and their guests or if you are from the villas up the road with no swimming pool. Also a couple of cool boxes for the wine and beers and lunch for a family of ten is no problem.

You must wear protection on your feet for the broken glass mind you as was pointed out the empty wine bottles when the kids throw them in have coloured glass so you should be able to see the shards in the water. Always pack plasters with your sun cream do not worry about tea and coffee cups because they do not count as they are not glasses, are they not.

Do be aware that the ants and wasps that are feeding on the remains of the food left laying around will bite and sting you to death, be prepared put anti histamine cream in your beach bag along with your sun tan lotion.

No Smoking

‘Well the law says no smoking inside restaurants. We still smoke there.’

No loud music

If you do not like dance music wear earplugs.

No children under 8 years of age without an adult

Look up feral in the dictionary.

No Pets

MI 3. Yes good old Fido and Twinkles your community common areas look  wonderful with great heaps of crap everywhere. You wonder sometimes if the pool area looks worse with the fag ends and cigar butts or the new look cat litter tray effect!

The nice painted walls start to suddenly look awful with the procession of dogs marking their territory on the morning and afternoon and evening walkies. The next thing you notice is an increase in the campo dogs that wander in to the community gates and have fights over the fly ridden rubbish bags that are left in the community litter bins and car parking spaces.

 

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About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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2 Responses to The President

  1. Aletéia says:

    pretty good post. i just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that i have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.

  2. TF says:

    I think The President | Umpius Grumpias Expatium is a good post and you do a nice job of posting in depth. Tommy

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