The old days of a former incumbent

The dreaded AGM

Sometimes desperation grips your mind you lose even more sleep worrying about the forthcoming meeting which is due in the next couple of months. The new agenda will it get through? Perhaps the threat of a supplementary payment might swing a few or a bank loan with high interest to pay off the debts might sway a few more before we have to turn the community lights off.


  1. Substantial increase in community fee
  2. No community charge for the president.
  3. Surcharge on community fee during June/July/August on rented apartments.
  4. Any other business.

Will the translator turn up this time she left a bit shaken after the last meeting?

Ah! Ha! A new cunning plan I bought a scruffy old doll at the market for one euro fifty it had a striking resemblance to some of the malcontents. I started getting desperate the yes votes were needed urgently for a majority and for the good of the finances of the community.

This was when I turned to the black arts for votes. At midnight with a clip on bone on my nose I began flicking strawberry jam over the doll with one of those chicken feet you buy at mercadona and chanting:

♫ “jejejejeje!…..olè!………jejejeje!… olè! …Si! Si!……jejejeje!” ♫

Accompanied by voodoo child by Jimi Hendrix playing in the background with no bass and all treble.

I took dolly to the EGM meeting with me secreted in my pocket with a few map pins I thought when the time is right and they all start screaming at each other I will give it a go. Wait for it, wait, wait!…… Patience is a virtue in these tricky situations.

Two screaming banshees erupt at the back of the room time to give the test I jabbed a pin in the doll I did not know where it had gone into the doll but the banshees stopped and began slapping the back of their necks instead of each other it was as if a swarm of mosquitoes had just attacked them. I pulled the pin out and the commotion stopped……………. Magic!

Then my phone was vibrating in my pocket always happens in the meeting you always get a call. I rummaged around in my pocket for the phone the doll was on top of it, blast those pins are sharp. The phone was bouncing around in a frenzy.

“Hello, yes I will be home for dinner shortly.”

Then I noticed that all the front row women had funny smiles, a quick check of my fly zip nope that’s not the reason. Why have they got frizzed up hair and looking cross eyed it was as if they had a hug with Miles Monroe’s orgasmatron orb. One exception though a tranny was hiding his wet nether regions with his hands.

I will have a good chance to improve the yes votes at the next meeting with all the dolls I had been collecting. Where is my air guitar and that Hendrix track?

♫ “Well, I stand up next to a mountain
And I chop it down with the edge of my hand
Well, I stand up next to a mountain
And I chop it down with the edge of my hand
Well, I pick up all the pieces and make an island
Might even raise a little sand

Then the Mk II the prototype had worked in a fashion far better than I imagined. The old 8 bit CPU and no fan assisted heat sinks had caused overheating problems the  low ram spec worked the system well but at a lower speed. There was a lot of room for improvement field tests on the Mk II proved useful the heat generated by the 12v 60 AH batteries gave some problems powering the receiver and servos I lost two Mk II’s due to self combustion.

Mk III was more high tech loads of goodies in this one nicad batteries a digital receiver for six channel remote control with robust mini servos. The actuator for the rubber band and six inch nail which was positioned between the dolls eyes kept failing so more work was needed on this feature on future marks. Other modifications were: New improved formula Tabasco instead of jam with a few drops of Worcestershire sauce with a dash of tomato sauce seasoned with pepper using a free range corn fed chicken foot.

Mk IV was a great improvement the research and development was paying off. Dual core processor with 2 gig of ram integrated pre programmed functions on the ROM chips this saved a hard drive and the extra weight. low db heavy duty mini servos USB port connectivity for fault finding. Improved signal range with the digital controller. Improved programmable microphone with voice recognition this stopped a lot of blue on blue mishaps and silicone elastic for the six inch nail.

An attractive MK V looked a bit gimpy with the patent black accessories and looked like pinhead this could have infringed copyright. This is going very cheap and is open to offers.

The life like mannequin Mk VI disguised as a gardener for those times when a meeting is held in the common areas proved a bit dodgy as it was to animated and started moon walking this mark self destructed far to often.

Rumours about this area 51 black project were on the community grapevine to many majority votes were going my way the aerial array on the top of the building was also arousing suspicions. I had to be more cunning and with the outstanding design award winning Mk VIII doll in a pram I had great success with this model but you must not get to over confident and I needed to move forward with the R&D.

The small water proof child sized Mk IX doll was not used for meetings but was very handy when it was thrown discreetly into the swimming pool among the crocodiles, orca whales, lilos, rubber rings, four man dinghies and various other toys so it was hard to spot. The Mk IX had some neat innovations included were a remote pin operating system, a self defence protection with high voltage batteries this worked like a dream on this unique type of mark. The db detector on this was adjusted to recognise the high pitch range so the additional screaming was indistinguishable from any other day in the pool.

Commissioning of the Mk X was time consuming the command code algorithms were problematic the auto pin mode was erratic the software had to many bugs in it. The voice recognition could not translate the dialects properly. Some of the Mk X series A/24 locked up and did not function even after a reset of the CPU some self destructed for no reason similar to the Mk VI. Black box investigations found no evidence of hardware or software faults.

I had to go back to basics the AGM was looming then completely by accident I stumbled on the root cause of the Mk X system failures. It was the chicken foot part of the process it was not kosher after a providence check of origin it transpired after a long investigation the chicken feet supplier had been packaging a non free range product. The solution to this problem cost a lot of community money when I had to buy a small plot in the campo and fully fence it for the twenty chickens. This covert project failed due to bird flu, this also caused four more Mk X’s to malfunction and be scrapped.

I was gutted all that work for nothing more quality control of the suppliers was needed this was an important component in the production process. I had to check the Jimi Hendrix digitally remastered track was an exact copy also the Tabasco had to be checked for soya and protein levels were any GM produced ingredients slipping through? Only branded tomato sauce and ground pepper. Yes! Yes! I know I did not forget the Lea & Perrins a solid performance from this at a max of four drops. Five or six drops and the Mk X took on zombie tendencies and became uncontrollable. I have a few of these at discounted prices.

The Mk XI is a useful variant its primary function in on Spanish roads you have to have one tied to your radiator grill and one on the rear bumper this is to compensate for the red and blue shift detectors. A rotating doll (Mk X1 series Z/06) fitted on the roof had to spin at such high revolutions it used to fly off during commissioning!

When installed the Mk XI has a lead lined shield inserted in the back of the doll so that any passengers in your car do not suffer any consequences of the special power this mark has! (Extra Tabasco)

For safety reasons the voice recognition on the Mk XI is only in Spanish.

The Mk XI’s are now colour coded they are supplied in red and blue this facilitates correct fitting on the front and back of the car a small round blue and red sticker with front and back printed on them is supplied free of charge.

This was a necessary customer improvement after a near fatal front and rear shunt nearly did for me on the N340 after I mistakenly tied two red shift dolls on my car.

All Mk XI models have unique muppet disguises that neatly fit over the doll. Also available is the Darth Vader cover complete with light saber the doll also includes a pull string with Darth Vader quotes the voice quality is excellent. “What is thy bidding, my master?” and “Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.” “You don’t know the power of the dark side!” “I sense something, a presence I’ve not felt since.”

*All covers are washable at low temperatures. Only available in red or blue. Sorry no black covers for the Darth Vader cover.

The red nose cover for the Mk XI had limited success and is now discontinued.

My Bokor certificate has been framed along with a picture of the 2007 Mk XIX series 3 doll which looks a little bit like Data crossed with Chucky. Only a few left price on application.

♫”You better believe it right now! I gotta go now
Hey, h-hey Joe♪
you better run on down
Goodbye everybody, ow!
Hey, hey-hey Joe, uhh,
run on down!”♫

Ooops! Wrong song!





About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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One Response to The old days of a former incumbent

  1. Ediane says:

    i liked the stuff posted here. wishing you best of luck for your future.

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