The grinning vultures

Commission! Commission! Commission!

“Good afternoon Madame what a lovely day to go and view some of the remaining bargains we have left. Do you mind if we have the top down? Very nice, but I meant the roof of the car!”

“Oh! You English are so funny my name is Lurleen.” She replies.

Luca grins as his teeth glint in the blazing sun. “Where are you from Lurleen my name is Luca?”

“Scotland! I just got off the plane this morning.”

“What would be your dream property if I could find it for you?” Asks the grinning vulture. His name is Luca.

“I would like a four bedroom detached villa with Tosca sandstone arched nayas and a courtyard. Large lounge with a fire place. Central heating and ducted air conditioning. Dinning room, a large kitchen with only black granite tops and glossy white units and utility room. A separate office and three bathrooms – two must be en-suite. A gymnasium would be nice if possible at the end of a heated ten by five metre infinity swimming pool with Roman steps and a built in Jacuzzi. Also a brick built barbecue. Parking for six cars and an under build. It must be at least 180m2 build and 3000m2 of landscaped gardens.”

“Okay and what sort of location and views?”  Luca scrawls some notes on to the back of his hand as he steers the car with his knees.

“Well it must be near to the shops and have sea and mountain views and be very near to the beach. I have nearly 108000 euros to spend and in today’s market I know that I can acquire this sort of bargain if I bide my time.”

“How old are you if you do not mind me asking?” Luca’s Mercedes screeches and swerves as he tries to pick up his cigar that has fallen from his mouth.

“Twenty seven, I have retired early I have three married children back home and two grandchildren and I have been divorced twice. My last husband Jock passed away and left me all his worldly goods. God bless him.”

“Have you been on some viewings with other sales executives like myself and had a sales pitch from a rich bitch?” The Merc does a quick U- Turn.

Lurleen ponders the question sucking on the arm of her bug eyed welder’s sunglasses. “Do you mean that botoxed ghoulish woman with the bad hair-do?”

“Yes! I can give you a card for the hairdressing salon later he is a sweet friend of mine.” Luca tucks his cravat back under his shirt collar that had whipped out and was flapping around his ears.

Crossing her legs Lurleen continues. “This morning she took me see a villa previously owned by a big celebrity. Apparently he is very famous and has been on television a lot she said he is a lovely man and did not really want to sell.”

Throwing his cigar into the verge Luca starts a huge fire that burns half of Marbella down. “Well dear I have some beautiful properties as well to show you. Who’s tiny villa was it anyway?”

“Juan Antonio Roca. His agent Grizelda reminisced about the stars at night, the pleasures you can have in a Jacuzzi. The chains in the dungeon. But it was not the property I was looking for the safe in the master bedroom dressing room put me off it was far to big.”

After driving through The Marbella Gun and Country Club and waving to a few of the guys on the way through the golf course. Luca blows a kiss and wolf whistles to one of the gorgeous beauties bending over to place his ball on to a tee.

Pulling up in front of the apartments in the Mentiroso Beach complex Luca explains that all the community gardens and swimming pool are included in the price of this fabulous property. The Merc sweeps into the underground garage. “Plenty of room for parking as you can see. That’s a nice touch the rubbish banks are down here as well.”

He mentions that this is the last apartment with these fantastic views. He pauses to take a phone call. “Oh! No! There is another couple back at the office with my colleague Limpy Dick he tells me they are very interested and could be making an offer today.”

Lurleen complains that the retaining wall holding up the mountain at the rear was blocking all the light. The pokey kitchen did not impress her either. The lounge and two bedrooms were not her favourite colours and the bathroom smelt like old rotting haggis.

Running a hand through his flowing flocks. “You are so cute when you are angry. Today’s price is a once in a lifetime opportunity for this luxury first floor apartment. Including top end Billapack furnishings it is only 230000 euros.”

“Where do I sign? Who do I see about a mortgage?”

Luca grins “I have a dear friend who is the best lawyer on the coast.”





About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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