Smelly Fred and Auntie Joyce

Paradise Lost

Time has moved on and all the family are allowed back into Spain for the release of Daddy. Auntie Joyce had escaped the clutches of Mad Dog Umbutto after he left her unattended at Rancho Negro.

They have accrued a small fortune for their first holiday in years, courtesy of the welfare system. The NHS had removed the melted crocs fused to Smelly Fred’s feet after three long complicated operations and skin grafts from his posterior.

Smelly Fred came up with a great idea to make some easy money, his suggestion was to charge for tickets to see him perform his most natural attribute, this could pay off in spades.

Sadly Smelly passed away during his Guinness Book of World Records attempt with his display of celebrity fire farting. After many months of training on fried eggs and baked beans for breakfast then lunch, also for dinner two extra eggs and a bigger portion of beans followed by a supper of Jalfrezi extra hot curry and Cobra beer.

Smelly Fred was electrocuted and leaves a small fortune to Joyce in his Will.  Although he died after the display he was awarded a place in history.

On record attempt day, Smelly arrived early, his portable music centre was playing Eye of the Tiger on repeat. Smelly limbered up with a few warm up raspberries and press-ups. Then he spent the rest of the day drinking Red Bull and eating cold brussel sprouts, dry bubble and squeak nicely finished off with chewy pickled boiled eggs.

The sun started setting. Smelly Fred wets and holds up a finger to test that there was no breeze. He gives the crowd the double thumbs up conditions were perfect.

Smelly had hired from the hospital an examinations chair including foot stirrups for his record attempt. He assumed the position.

The large crowd clapped and cheered then they all shouted out in unison. “Tres!………..Dos!………..Uno.”


He slaughtered three judges and two onlookers with poisonous odours and one stupid adjudicator also without a gas mask. His assistant, Auntie Joyce, was incinerated during the unfortunate ignition of a silent gas cloud which had engulfed her whilst she stood madly clicking the battery powered sparker to get some flamers going.

She was thrown on to GG Tommy who went up in smoke with her. Smelly was propelled off the chair during the initial explosion with the speed of an F16 on full afterburner and eventually landed in the next town along the coast.

As Smelly Fred got to about one thousand feet he started to panic he was heading out to sea. His ears were popping so he held his nose and blew whilst keeping his mouth closed.

This had two side effects – one good one bad. Firstly by putting his hand up to his nose the aerodynamics of his situation changed and he managed to perform a successful roll manoeuvre. He could now see where he was heading so he put both arms out at full stretch (Red Bull) using his hands as ailerons he banked and headed back to the coast. The bad side effect was whilst popping his ears he had throttled up! The extra gas he emitted used up most of his remaining propellant.

Smelly’s own demise happened when the standby ambulance crew attempted to revive him. He was found unconscious in Los Barcos in a pool of sewage by a guy who had just dragged him out and put him in a wheelbarrow.

He was a strange one he was wearing waders and heavy duty rubber gloves and had a golf bag swung over his shoulder with various brooms in it and assorted squeegee’s.

“I think he is alive but he smells awful. I was sweeping up by the pump station when I heard this sickening splat I had difficulty finding him through this sea mist that you can see covering the whole of the community.” He said pointing to acrid blue fog that enveloped the cess pool and them.

After a few attempts of trying to unlock the vice like grip Smelly’s hands had on his three piece suite to check for a pulse, the paramedic prised the roll up from the corner of Smelly Fred’s mouth to check if he was still breathing. The medic fought back the urge to runaway as Smelly Fred let rip a grumbling death fart making the wheelbarrow shudder.

The defibrillator paddles were attached to his still smouldering new red crocs. “Clear!” Nothing! The batteries were dead! So they quickly connected up to the builders electric which was supplying the urbanisation he had landed in.

The first zap. “Clear!”……Nothing again! The crew changed the community electricity fuse from a 5kw to a 50kw. Fortunately they had a spare in the first aid box. “Clear!”


This resulted in the sad loss of the ambulance crew and one Samaritan who was assisting them. A reporter near to the scene died later in hospital from smoke and methane fumes inhalation.

The scene was one of complete devastation at ground zero. The local Policia said they had never seen such a mess. To make matters worse all the local Ferreteria had sold out of brooms.

A torrent of sewage had cascaded through the barranco and washed away Capitán Playa – many tourists were never found again.

The funeral director and coroner had a problem identifying the remains as a huge thunderstorm had broken out before they arrived. CSI managed to recover most pieces through months of sieving and DNA tests before the identities of the victims were established.

Two decomposing bodies were dragged from the cess pool crater they were formally identified as the boss of the development company that built Los Barcos and the agent handling the promotion. It was originally assumed they had disappeared with their ill gotten gains.

The pathologist confirmed it was obvious they had both suffered the same fate –  a broom was used as the murder weapon which was still in place stuffed where the sun don’t shine!

Reports of a white flash before the mushroom cloud were phoned into the emergency services from as far away as La Manga. A Specsavers spokesman commented that if people had been wearing reactor lights the damage to their eyes would have been far less. He later conceded that sunglasses would have prevented damage as well.

Residents and tourists reported a mini Tsunami in the Mar Menor. Sunbathers in the dunes on Playa de la Torre Derribada ended up in the salt lagoon covered in iodine rich seaweed and flamingo kak.

Many villas, finca’s and apartments lost windows and awnings in the first shockwave which travelled far beyond Torrevieja.

Some expat pensioners were holding their British Legion meeting in a restaurant on the cliffs one commented. “We were on the terrace I was so shocked when I heard this noise it sounded like a doodlebug coming towards us. I dropped the tray of teas and when I looked up I could see this trail of puffs of black smoke arcing across the sky, then it all went silent.”

Guardamar Sunday market was closed for a month due to fallout.

Residents in San Miguel de Salinas said they felt sorry for the flamingos that had survived the poor things had all their plumage blasted off.

A UFO spotter on top of the tower at Torre de Cabo Roig took a picture of Smelly’s outbound flight and was shocked to see another space craft hurtling towards him from the direction of the crash site and explosion. He managed to get a picture of the saucer as it passed over him and crashed into a large yacht in the marina.

It was Ivan’s pride and joy the Rasputin and he was holding the AGM on the poop deck with Dada, Don Vito and the Mayor. Pablo Escobar had just arrived and was bludgeoning Umbutto with a baseball bat whilst two of his henchmen held him down, this was a punishment beating for letting Auntie Joyce escape.

The cast iron flaming drain cover smashed into the Rasputin with the power of a meteor which instantly sank the yacht. No survivors were ever found.

The Town Hall in Orihuela put a positive spin on the disaster and reported that the inferno which had blown back through the drain network all the way back to the water treatment plant had resolved the problems with the plague of rats and cockroaches in the area.

Regarding the rebuilding of Los Barcos the Town Hall rejected all claims as this was designated rustic land by the Junta in 1974 and as a consequence the costs for demolition were a great saving to the residents with their IBI payments.

During the public enquiry it transpired that Smelly Fred had not applied for any permits or licences and had no public liability insurance for his record attempt. The chief fire officer reported to the enquiry that all fires were banned from the 1st June, therefore any damages were not the responsibility of the Town Hall.

Smelly actually failed to get into the record book for his prowess. But was entered into the record book history for killing the most people during any record attempt.

He was also entered into another category for the distance he travelled with no powered assistance without his crocs touching the floor.

Guinness Book of Records announced that future events of this type would be more stringently regulated.

Because Joyce had named her relatives in her Will, the money passed onto the previous owner of Vamoose who was named as executor. Venta Vamoose II opens shortly with a new menu and succulent dishes – one example to get your taste buds going is roast flamingo on Sunday’s.

Diversity is going to be the way forward with new entertainment. New customers will enjoy the proposed link bingo also two quiz nights are envisaged if the surveys prove positive.

Live guest performers are booked for the grand opening week. One great act that has been interviewed and pre-booked is a clown who makes realistic adult toys from balloons.

A themed leather fancy dress evening that everyone can join in and enjoy will include a live lucky volunteer from the audience who will be chosen by a majority vote to be the piñata.

A special treat for old customers is going to be the revival of the popular Hokey Cokey Pearly Kings Cockanee knees up. Jellied eels followed by pie mash and liquor washed down with bottles of Mackeson stout and the guest ale will be draught Double Diamond. Tickets will be available soon.

One evening a month is going to be allocated for a good cause. A fund raising charity dance in aid of abandoned animals. This will be accompanied by a fantastic drag extravaganza. Raffle tickets will be on offer, the first prize which has already been commissioned is a replica Diddicoy Toby Jug.

A much requested innovation from former fellow inmates will be a gala opening of a private room for the gentleman’s club. Advanced memberships are being taken online. This wonderful facility will be open until the late hours for smoking and gambling. Free roast potatoes, cockles and prawns and baskets of crusty bread will be made available on the bar. Olives and peanuts or Santa Anna crisps will be served with every drink ordered.

Good news for future new customers, karaoke will be banned along with all sport programmes on the televisions. Coronation Street will be shown on one TV. Eastenders on another. Repeats of Emmerdale and Home and Away will be on the big screens.

The interior designer has framed newspaper cuttings and these will be displayed on the walls tracing the history of Venta Vamoose one and infamous Smelly Fred. The best picture is one which was taken by a UFO spotter showing a shower of sparks lighting the evening sky as Smelly passed over Villamartin.

The funeral costs were reduced by the undertaker as they only swept up the remains of all the deceased and put them into a builders bucket which were transferred into the Toby Jug urns at the service.

Smelly’s twin brother Nasty ****** (redacted) was inconsolable during the dividing of the ashes and was very bitter at the lawyers office when the Will was read out. Fred had left him nothing.

The funeral directors had wire brushed and polished GG Tommy’s medals which were recovered at the record attempt site they were under the mangled remains of his buckled and twisted wheelchair.

They were hung on an imitation gold chain on his Toby Jug ashes urn. The family sobbed uncontrollably, his invalidity benefits and pension would be sorely missed.

The Toby Jug urns will have pride of place on the bar in memory of their contribution to the new venture.

GG Tommy is in the Winston Churchill Toby Jug urn. A Diddicoy Toby Jug urn with a used white knotted handkerchief hanging over it would have pleased Smelly Fred. Auntie Joyce’s Toby urn is one of the seven dwarfs………. Grumpy!

A special Toby Jug urn has been commissioned for the unfortunate chap who held the paddles on Smelly Fred’s crocs. It is a rosy cheeked builder pushing a wheelbarrow containing a broom.









About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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One Response to Smelly Fred and Auntie Joyce

  1. Bernarda says:

    very nice post. good stuff.

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