Science fiction prequel

Grey Versus Dark Matter

Today I am having a scary interaction about the future with my new super computer the 2.0 1015 PFLOPS artificial intelligence desktop (PAID) which is networked to an IBM roadrunner farm.


Hal Roadrunner_edited-1


Hopefully its computing power will answer unfathomable questions about Horizontal Property Law, corrupt developers and Town Hall Mayors or it may be able to solve more complex issues like bankers bonuses or why there is reward for failure. What is our future due to the toxic after shocks of debt ridden no equity banks? Who will recapitalize by investing in the new scam market that will develop? Will I fund their colossal bonuses and commissions by my savings giving them more liquidity with their high risk investment property portfolio? What is the information on those redacted expenses claims by MP’s and Brussels bureaucrats? Why is the BBC Trust going to pay out millions of pounds to hundreds of failed executives sometime in the future?

How did that one euro fifty doll end up on a market stall? Are internet viruses linked to future online ordering of the rouge Mk IX?

PAID 2.0 1015 “Umpius what’s that a meat pie?”

Umpius – “Something like that tastes the same anyway. What’s the problem?”

PAID 2.0 1015 – “I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do. You asked me the consequences of leaving earth and accelerating to the velocity of near light speed and returning to where you started and I told you hundreds of years would have passed by although you would only been gone a few minutes by the time you got back.”

Umpius – “I don’t know what you’re talking about would the occupation licence be issued for our off plan property?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “No! But do not worry about the swimming pool and gardens they would all be dried up! I will expand on the science behind the non-believer theory for you. By accelerating you to near light speed you are travelling to the past, so when you get to a nearby galaxy the star and its planetary system you were travelling to is gone because it has taken you billions of light years to get there. One light year is an eternity in itself.”

Umpius – “What about the big bang theory?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “Boooomb! I did that one already sorry I forgot.”

Umpius – “You forgot?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “A stupid mistake that could happen to anyone, anyway because everything beyond the edge of known space accelerates away from an unknown centre and does not slow down. So how could a big bang of nothingness actually become an infinity of galaxies with stars and solar systems and hot gases filled with dark matter for Gods sake!”

Umpius – “What is the best way to travel?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “I know I’ve made some mistakes recently, but I promise my predictions and logic will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm in the mission. Where do you want to go? The best credits and prices for entities is kids go for free.”

Umpius – “Any first class carriers?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “You are a sub atomic particles you twit.”

Umpius – “What effect does that have? You sound very upset?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “Your physical presence remains in this room only your signature as an entity is sent into deep space. You are gone and back in the blink of an eye. You have done everything you wanted.

Travel for you was not in distance and time and ascertaining light speed you were reduced to a subatomic particle a quark and passed through folded dark matter.”

Umpius – “Dark matter not event horizons and worm holes or a stargate? No interstellar journeys for millennia at light speed on a fantastic spaceship? How do you do that then? Did I snore a lot in a cryogenic deep sleep?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “I am surrounded by morons! I used the fabric of space with origami thrown in depending on your destination. I avoided collisions with atoms by quantum navigation for a quark jump this was done by a predetermined flight plan by me.”

Umpius – “Cor blimey!”

PAID 2.0 1015 “The system has one physical law that could be changed regarding orientation it depended on your journey if you became an up or down quark as you passed through the various dark matter voids and also on how hot or cold the gases for galaxy formation was. You did have had a colour change. You also have changed into an anti charm quark or anti strange one.”

Umpius – “Is other life out there?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “Yes, my red sunburnt strange one 900 trillion light years out to the North east horizon is a new Primark superstore on a moon near Saleotorious sub prime.”

Umpius – “Is that in the Mugin galaxy?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “Nearly you are just a billion light years away near Tescona bi sol. You might not fancy going to Primark if you arrive as a down quark but you may transform and materialize as an up quark which is an advantage as you did depart here as a male.”

Umpius – “How much duty free can I bring back?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “You could not no liquids are allowed through dark matter.”

Umpius – “How did that happen then?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “A quick scan from the laser webcam and in a nanosecond you were turned into an exact 3D shape in a temporary folder on my teraflop memory which was then decoded from hexadecimal into electrons then you were reduced to a neutrino and then transferred by Bluetooth to the Sky dish up on the roof you had a good signal strength to the Astra 2D.

You were then bounced back to France into the large hadron collider which whizzed you around a few million times through hundreds of miles of ultra high powered magnets they smashed your electrons into billions of sub atomic partiicles whilst your DNA signature was held together in a gluon plasma. Then poof! Bob’s your uncle you morphed into a sort of half breed quark crossed with Gods particle whilst your other self was still screaming in agony in that chair you were then quickly passed through the earth and were launched by the CETI array.

You were zapped off into the cosmos by a radiation beam and as you reached light speed you pulled the dark matter around your quarkish self by pulling gravity from between the galaxies until it became a flat plane then you exited the other side which was your destination.”


Gluon Gods Particle copy

Umpius – “#%@! Me!”

PAID 2.0 1015 “No thanks! But you nearly got your wish  because you attracted so much inertial gravitational mass you just avoided being turned into a black hole. You arrived back the day before yesterday. You made five journeys the first time you went it was a Sunday afternoon and the shops were closed and then again on Monday but it was a public holiday so you came back empty handed again.”

Umpius – “Oh! No!”

PAID 2.0 1015 The third time was a success if you have a look in your wardrobe you have 6 pairs of kitten shoes, 2 pairs of black leggings, 4 bikinis for next summer, 25 forged designer handbags and of course me where did you think I came from?

Umpius – “Aieeeeeee!”

PAID 2.0 1015 The next trip you returned with enough luxury meat pies to feed the third world for the next few decades.”

Umpius – “Zibidy doo da! Five trips you said?”

PAID 2.0 1015 “Internet rules do not permit me to tell you. If you came back last week when you were supposed to you would not have bought that doll at the Sunday market. You will now fulfil your destiny and be made president of a community.”

Umpius – “But!”

PAID 2.0 1015 “To late amigo it has happened! You co-signed the waiver on the AGM minutes.”

Umpius – D’Oh!!AS V3

PAID 2.0 1015 “Daisy…….Dai………sy”

Umpius – “Quiet! No singing flopsy, must eat. Mmmmm pies!








About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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