Junkie Foods

Junkie Foods Consumer confidence on food labelling plummets

If Junkie foods sells you a product that is labelled as beef and it turns out to be horse meat, they have a duty of care to make sure the product contains the ingredients that are described to you on the information printed on the packaging.




Good grief! Products that are labelled as being made from high quality ingredients such as beef turn out to be the remnants of black beauty from some far off knacker’s yard in the back of beyond. Who can the consumer trust?

Have the lot up in court and fine all of them from the source to the shelf they are all responsible.

At least you know what type of ‘grub’ you are eating on a bush tucker trial! Malicious rumours are now circulating the internet that some fish fingers actually contain traces of cod. Is breaded scampi really made from conger eel? Do chicken nuggets contain any chicken? Is a turkey twizzler from the planet Earth? Does a kebab contain any lamb?

Why should the public wait for months while a forensic scientist analysis’s the contents of a sausage sandwich before you can eat it? Not only would it have gone cold and the corners curled up by then your family would probably be informed at your inquest it was the brown sauce that did for you! Due to the fact that nobody had tested the sauce for contamination as it had not been flagged up as a health risk.

I watched a television program with undercover images of chicken carcasses on a concrete factory floor having green slime pressure washed off them before being manufactured into food. This put me off processed chicken products for life. This is a process called Mechanically Separated Poultry (MSP) …. ‘Yuk!’

Imagine that you purchase a beef burger and it actually turns out to be rendered tissue from some stray mutt named Rover recovered from a vet’s waste skip mixed in with some traces of horse meat.

Substance abuse

My addiction to fast food and cheap supermarket value meat products had taken its toll on me. Temptation was on every street corner and my plunge into depravity manifested itself when I began eating from roadside burger vans and adding pure beef stock to my roast dinners. I was overdosing and needed help.

Family and friends were supporting me by eating Mcking maxi double super duper cheese burgers in my presence at every opportunity. But in these times of austerity all I could afford was Fungus Junkie Foods (FJF) value range.

Hypnosis treatment for my eating disorder bizarrely made my cravings worse! One nightmarish side effect of the therapy left me supporting Liverpool F.C. God help me! I even began chanting in the Kop stand; “C’mon on you Toffees!”

Things went from bad to worse my dependency on cheap burgers made my hands shake without constant fixes and I moved on to harder product class A luxury meat pies. I hit rock bottom and started pouring lashings of gravy over cold turkey and mopping up the plate with slices of bread coated in Bovril. The last words I remember uttering as I tucked into a microwaved steaming hot overcooked lasagne were. ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’

I was shocked (defibrillator) and surprised after I had collapsed and was rushed to a hospital death pathway ward. Tests later proved that I had a lucky escape from a severe dose of acute food poisoning which was possibly caused by the lasagne or the steak and kidney pie that I ate on the same day as my value cheese burger.

An X-ray also revealed that a microchip from my Fungus Junkie Foods pie had lodged in my windpipe. After a lengthy operation the microchip was removed and scanned by the local vet. The information helped the FSA track down the history of my favourite FJF branded pie.

The surgeons also found and removed another microchip that was initially thought to be kidney stones. My assumption that the dogs name was Rover was incorrect. The microchip revealed its name was ‘Chow Chow.’

No laboratory tests were carried out on the lasagne due to a smoke plume from my house triggering a major terrorist alert. This was apparently caused by the toxic fumes emanating from the lasagne. The bomb squad had sealed the lasagne and also the contents of my fridge and freezer in a concrete lead lined drum and blew it all up on Salisbury plain.

Can eating mislabelled products cause you any harm?

I asked the medical consultant why the episode had left me with such a bruised face, sore dangly bits and a bulge in my trousers? He explained to me that I had been isolated in a special bio-decontamination high dependency unit and the contusions on my face were due to the priest slapping me during the convulsions. ‘Oh! My! God! Was he giving me the last rites?’

Doctor Strangelove paused briefly for a moment and said. ‘No it was during the exorcism! You were vomiting so much you puked all over the exorcist’s rosary beads and cassock. He was very, very upset and beat you quite severely with his old English thurible! Your discomfort on your gonads was self inflicted by the death grip you had on them when you were delirious on the bed pan. I assume by the stench that is emanating from you combined with your wet shoes indicate that the bulge down your trousers is due to an overfull catheter bag.’

Whilst wiping some tears from the corners of his eyes he started coughing profusely trying to clear his throat, holding back his emotions he spat at me and continued. ‘Some of the volunteer nurses that assisted the HAZMAT team decontaminating your room ended up so traumatized by the stench they are suing the local NHS Trust for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The scientists from Porton Down have informed us that because of the type of unidentifiable germs that two of them are infected with they must now remain on Gruinard Island for at least fifty years.’

Leaving him uncontrollably sobbing in his office my ears were ringing from the abusive screaming by the hospital porters when I accidentally passed wind in the lift. My thoughts turned to other ailments, have I got tinnitus?

Human Rights and the Foods Standards Agency

I was denied legal aid to pursue my Human Rights claim in Strasbourg for the abuse by the priest. The Grand Chamber of the Council ruled that the Vatican holds sole responsibility for its employees and it was not a matter that concerned the European Court of Human Rights.

A commissioner later revealed that Abu Qatada had depleted all the allocated funding of such cases with his pursuance of claims against the British Home Secretary following his trauma (Shiites) after he was informed by the Imam that traces of pork in Junkie Foods Cornish Pasties (JFCP) had been found in prison food that had been given to him during his incarceration at HM Prisons.

Research by the Food Standards Agency (FSA) into my complaint about the food poisoning and the subsequent public select committee inquiry informed me that Rover (Chow Chow) was a healthy soul, so eating this type of emulsified product would not have caused me any harm. Funnily enough the cheese, fried onions, tomato sauce and mustard made a remarkably tasty burger.

Junkie Foods the pie and burger producer announced in a public statement that the microchips revealed that the sources of the so-called steak and beef meat products were imported from China and are quite safe to eat in the country of origin. Furthermore the Chinese had informed them the dog was humanly boiled alive then shot and hung and was fit for human consumption.

The FSA also confirmed that the source of the virulent strain of E. coli in the cheese slices of Junkie Foods premium burger range had been found. The irradiated cheese was discovered in a JF partner processing plant in an Iranian enrichment facility. They confirmed that the plant had now ceased production of the exclusive goat cheese slices due to the Israelis blowing the production line up with a cruise missile.

The kidney contained in the pie was also tested for horse DNA and Junkie Foods has assured all of its customers that the tested kidneys were in fact synthesized cat testicles and were purr-fectly safe for pet food production.

A Junkie Foods quality control manager said the abattoir had informed them that the most probable cause for the food poisoning was the ingredients in the pie pastry and also the burger bun sesame seeds. Which their scientists discovered contained 90% sawdust sweepings sourced to them from some stables and chicken coops in Romania.

Indeed this was confirmed by further tests by the FSA who admitted that they do not normally check the crust on meat pies for any diseases or bacteria and have warned consumers to carefully check the ingredient information on any food packaging and be very wary of the health implications of consuming products containing saturated fats and high salt content.

Due to the results of these findings the FSA are issuing closure enforcement notices to all European horse stables and intensive chicken farmer’s premises that rat droppings mixed in with sawdust or wheat and grain products which are used in the supply and manufacture of flour is totally unacceptable.

The revelations have caused a global war of words

Syria has banned the importing of any pork based produce from Europe and the United States.

Brussels bureaucrats have issued an emergency directive that flavour enhancer’s used in some varieties of condoms are to be banned in the United Kingdom.

France has informed David Cameron that they will veto any new legislation regarding the sawdust content used in croissants and warned the British Government that they will sink any trawlers found in any of their global territorial waters that are fishing for rare sea horses.

The Home Office has issued a statement denouncing the use of Mechanically Separated Meat (MSM) used in making French sausages. Stating the processes that are being used are repulsive and have warned British consumers they should only eat so-called pork and beef bangers which contain less garlic.

The official from the Home Office also confirmed that a badger and fox cull throughout the United Kingdom would prevent the spread or reoccurrence of Creutzfeldt Jakob Disease (CJD).

Argentina has banned any European imports of corned beef to the Falkland Islands and warned islanders not to consume any prime Argentinean steaks they have purchased on special offer from the mainland as they are being laced with strychnine by some unscrupulous butchers.

The Ministry of Agriculture in Spain has confirmed that deep fried bull’s ears and pizzles sourced from bull rings are 100% genuine.

Tony Blair waved a dodgy GM report in the air and has reassured the Korean’s that genetically modified food is safe to eat. A North Korean television announcement denounced his intervention and said the ‘stability of the World was on the brink due to his imperialistic efforts to dominate the media.’

Gordon Brown has asked the FSA to test Alexi Salmonella for mad haggis syndrome (MHS). A member of the Scottish Parliament has raised an urgent written question with the Speaker of the House of Commons: “Who is Gordon Brown?”

John Gummer has confirmed he is still alive and Edwina Curry cannot stop laughing about the whole matter and advises the public to go to work on an egg!

A consumer alert has been issued by the Chief Medical Officer (CMO). The warning raises concerns that vinegar is being used as a wine substitute and some sparkling champagne is contaminated with antifreeze and horse slurry.

The Chancellor has warned food produces ‘to get a grip’

Announcing that he intends to reintroduce VAT on burgers, pies and lasagne in the next budget. The shadow Chancellor opposed the statement saying that any tax rises should be dependant on the ambient temperature of the product at the point of sale.

Today during a tour of a Fungus Junkie Foods (FJF) processing plant a reporter cornered George and shoved a gooey looking re-heated Junkie foods hamburger under Chicken George’s nose and asked if he would like to eat it. The Chancellor recoiled turning his head away in disgust. George recalls to himself that a similar ploy had nigh on seen the demise of the member for Sheffield Brightside and Hillsborough’s guide dog when he ate one offered by the same journalist.

Composing himself George scolds the Journo. ‘This type of stunt by the media is making the markets and the consumer nervous and is going to drag the economy into a triple dip recession. This whole mess is a legacy caused by the former Labour Governments economic and agricultural polices. The good news is the progress that the coalition is making by tackling these issues in a robust manner. I would however say this to consumers they should eat good wholesome foods, for example wild boar, venison or hung peasant.’

The perplexed journalist asks. ‘Surely you mean pheasant Chancellor?’ Chicken George looks sternly down at him. ‘Read my lips peasant are you deaf?’

George is buoyed on by the quivering microphone shaking away in the nervous reporters limp grip and goes on the attack. ‘My manservant has just sent me an important text he is preparing a feast at my country residence for the cabinet. The butler will be serving us a main course of roasted peacock prepared by Serge our five star Michelin chef. Which I can assure you is a lead free corn fed bird caught by one of our gamekeepers hounds. So if you would please excuse me I’m off!’

Bluff and bluster as bribes are thrown to the voters of Eastliegh

Later in the day the Cabinet Office leaked some forthcoming budget details to the press. One bombshell that caused looks of disbelief amongst the stunned gathering was that a charge would be introduced on free supermarket car parking with a 100% levy going directly into Treasury coffers. The government press officer caused further gasps when he announced that in conjunction with this new tax the Chancellor will be outlining his plans for congestion charge zones around out of town shopping malls.

Appearing on Newsnight the Chancellor justified the proposed charges explaining that the public had been let down by the mislabelling scandal and these new policies would help the environment by encouraging shoppers to return to local high streets.

Chicken George went on to say. ‘For far to long small business owners have sat in traffic jams whilst driving by out of town shopping centres where the supermarket free car parks are full to bursting point. In line with these announcements my good friend the Local Government Secretary Erica Pickled will be abolishing all local high street car parking charges and introduce the scrapping of parking meters. These changes will give the consumer confidence to shop locally without the fear of huge parking fines.’

An impish smirk erupts across Georges mush as Blinky chunders away on the other side of Paxo and continues. ‘Surplus traffic wardens (STASI) will be integrated into the FSA and given additional duties to perform during their reign of terror by issuing tickets on any mislabelled products found on sale that are for example not stacked properly or contain ingredients that are not safe to eat. We estimate this will generate billions of pounds that the treasury can use to plug the benefits financial black hole.’

The Local Government Secretary said that the money raised would be used to employ former voluntary games makers from the successful 2012 Olympics as Parking Accommodators (PA) in Town centres up and down the country. The surplus money will be used to finance Town Hall executive pay and help balance the books. Also the introduction of a fifty year cap on council tax and business rates would be welcoming news for the taxpayer.

Good news for fast food outlets as calorie content in muesli is exposed

During a public inquiry about the mislabelling of foods the Health Secretary said that muesli and other healthy option value meals had been a major cause of obesity. The committee chairman questioned Jerry about the evidence shown in emails that had been released to them by a whistleblower that allegedly he knew that Junkie Foods bottled spring water and canned sports fizzy drinks range contained high levels of nitrogen directly piped to the JF production plant from the sewage works in his constituency and that this malpractice been going on for years.

Stock Exchange panic as Fungus food shares are suspended

News that Junkie Foods are preparing to announce the hiring of a former RBS executive as its new CEO have seen the JF PLC share price plummet on World markets. (X) cannot be named due to a High Court super injunction and was unavailable for comment whilst he was in hiding on his private Pacific Island Bunga Bunga.

Speculation about the hiring of the unnamed banker has forced him to resign before he implemented his shredding strategy of cooking the content of recipe books and ruining the reputation of Junkie Foods. Mr. ‘X’ is unrepentant about taking his £24 million severance package and commented that his pension package ‘was miserly at a few hundred thousand a year!’

A former CEO from the BBC said ‘good people are hard to find at these low salaries.’

Tweeting Troll

Premiership footballers who have sponsorship deals with Junkie Foods (JF) have been rendered speechless on Twitter. One player has deleted his tweet comment that ‘the whole matter made him sick to the stomach’ after the FA condemned his comments saying that they brought the whole game and FSA into disrepute.

Joe Batter from FIFA sitting alongside PantsMan said that a study carried out by a Cambridge University on force fed caged students had proved beyond doubt that binge eating burgers, pies or hot dogs had not contributed to acts of violence by some fans.

PantsMan smiled and said ‘all the profits from his sponsorship deal with Junkie Foods and the advertising campaign that featured him eating pork scratchings would be used to set up a foundation for retired football pundits.’

When Joe was asked by a journalist if he knew that hot dogs were made from ‘mutt’s nuts’ his reply stunned the press conference when he said that ‘monkey nuts’ was a racist term and he would make no further comment. The Swiss translator has now been replaced and Joe has apologised for his genuine mistake.

Filet of Beef Bourguignon

Drink wine with your premium Fungus Beef Bourguignon at your own risk!

Do not wear blinkers whilst shopping for your next meal. Go to your local butcher and greengrocer and prepare and cook fresh produce. Not risky processed chemically enhanced junk food beefed up with hormones, cortisone and steroids.





Have a bute-ifull day amigos.

Latest update from the FSA. Why am I not surprised!


Good Luck if you continue to consume Junkie Foods







About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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