Jethro Killed Rudolph

Jethro Killed Rudolph

Merry Christmas

Get the festive groanometer out. I have gone crackers

Rudolph

 

 

 

Ian Anderson

Jethro Tull – Ian Anderson



Umpius Crackeras

Christmas cracker jokes



What did the lawyer say to the flautist Ian Anderson?

‘You’ve not got a leg to stand on’

Why did the archer have a black eye?

‘He had a fight with a crossbow’

What did Homer make with flour and water?

‘D’oh!’

What do you call a detective up a tree arresting José Mourinho?

‘Special branch’

Why did Yoda appear in a pantomime?

‘The farce was with him’

Why did the Grinch award himself a huge bonus?

‘He thought he was an energy company boss’

What did the herring say to his friend?

‘We will turn into a pair of kippers if we don’t stop smoking’

What did the cowboy say when he walked into a German car showroom?

‘Audi’

Who wrote the book, Knickerless?

‘Lucy Lastick’

What do you get if you cross a bell with a Peter Kay?

‘Peels of laughter’

What did the doctor say when Santa went for an examination with a mince pie stuck up his bottom?

You’re in luck. I’ve got some cream for that’

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

‘Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer’

What makes an octopus laugh?

‘Ten tickles’

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

‘A Christmas Quacker’

What is the most popular Christmas wine?

‘I don’t like Brussel Sprouts’

What sort of music do you hear most in the jungle?

‘Snake, rattle and roll’

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?

‘An alarm cluck’

What did one snowman say to another snowman?

‘Can you smell carrots?’

What happened to the Christmas Turkey after it was put in the freezer?

‘It died’

What do you call a little lobster who won’t share his Christmas presents?

‘Shell-fish’

Why are Police Officers so strong?

‘Because they hold up traffic’

What Sweets do frogs like?

‘Lolly-hops’

What type of room has no windows or doors?

‘A mushroom’

What vegetable needs a plumber?

‘A leek’

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?

‘In-case he got a hole in one’

What was the first motorised vegetable?

‘The horseless cabbage’

What’s green and goes dah-dit, dah-dah, dah-dit?

‘Morse Toad’

When is a boat like a pile of snow?

‘When it’s adfrift’

Where can you buy British Rail bubble gum?

‘On a chew chew train’

What school subject are snakes best at?

‘Hisstory’

What do you call a crazy golfer?

‘A crack putt’

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

‘A nervous wreck’

What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?

‘Auld Fang Syne’

What is black and white and noisy?

‘A zebra with a drum kit’

What’s the fastest thing in water?

‘A motor pike’

What lies in a pram and wobbles?

‘A jelly baby’

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

‘A doyouthinkhesawus’

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?

‘Freeze a jolly good fellow’

What is a frogs favorite footwear?

‘Open toad sandals’

What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?

‘Tarzi-pan’

What’s the most popular gardening magazine in the world?

‘Weeder’s digest’

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?

‘A red carnation’

What is green and stands in the corner?

‘A naughty frog’

How do monkeys make toast?

‘Stick some bread under the gorilla’

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?

‘Billy the squid’

Where are the Andes?

‘On the end of the armies’

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself?

‘Because it’s two-tired’

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?

‘Because the referee whistled for a fowl’

What kind of car does a lady in a pantomime drive?

‘A dame-ler’

Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?

‘Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door’

Why is Europe like a frying pan?

‘Because it has Greece at the bottom’

What’s ET short for?

‘Because he’s only got little legs’

Why are chocolate buttons rude?

‘Because they are Smarties in the nude’

What fur do we get from a tiger?

‘As fur as possible’

What did the little candle say to the big candle?

’I’m going out tonight’

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?

‘Bring on their subs’

Where do ghosts send their laundry?

‘To the dry-screamers’

Where in a jungle is it not safe to park?

‘On a double yellow lion’

Where should a dressmaker build her house?

‘On the outskirts’

Which country has the largest appetite?

‘Hungary’

Why did Micky Mouse travel into space?

‘He was looking for Pluto’

Why did Santa hand in his resignation?

‘Because there was no Claus in his contract’

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

‘Because it was stuck to the chicken’

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

‘To see his flat mate’

Why did the red Indian call the cowboy paleface?

‘Because he had a face like a bucket’

Why did the spaceman go to the optician?

‘Because he kept seeing stars in his eyes’

Why do bees hum?

‘Because they don’t know the words’

Why is a foot a good Christmas present?

‘Because it’s a stocking filler’

You have been working hard in the garden, what are you growing?

‘Tired’

Knock, knock.

‘Who’s there?’

Wayne

‘Wayne who?’

Wayne in a manger

mincepie1

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

‘A brick-layer’

Who invented fractions?

‘Henry the 1/8th’

Why do birds fly south in winter?

‘Because it’s too far to walk’

How does Jack Frost get to work?

‘By icicle’

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

‘Lost’

Why did the turkey cross the road?

‘It was the chicken’s day off’

Knock, knock.

‘Who’s there?’

Wenceslas.

‘Wenceslas who?’

Wenceslas train home?

mincepie1

Who was the world’s first underwater spy?

‘James pond’

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?

‘He was the skipper’

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?

‘The juve-niles’

How did the Vikings send secret messages?

‘By Norse code’

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?

‘Floodlights’

Knock, knock

‘Who’s there?’

Arthur.

‘Arthur who?’

Arthur any mince pies left?

mincepie1

Knock, knock.

‘Who’s there?’

Wendy

‘Wendy who?’

Wendy red red robin comes bob bob bobbin along

mincepie1

What happens when your pet frog breaks down?

‘It gets toad away’

Why hasn’t anyone ever stolen a canal?

‘It has too many locks’

How do you hire a horse?

‘Stand it on four bricks’

What do ghosts eat?

‘Spookgetti’

What do hedgehogs eat?

‘Prickled onions’

What do you call two robbers?

‘A pair of knickers’

Who is unlucky to see a black cat?

‘A mouse’

What cereals do cats like?

‘Mice Crispies’

Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?

‘It wanted to see the floor show’

Why did the red Indian call the cowboy paleface?

‘Because he had a face like a bucket’

Where do frogs go if they have bad eyesight?

‘The hoptometrist’

Why did the hen cross the road?

‘To prove she wasn’t a chicken’

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

‘Tinselitis’

Why should you never invite a team of footballers for Christmas?

‘Because they are always dribbling’

What are the wettest animals in the world?

‘Reindeer’

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?

‘One day my prints will come’

Why are you taking those trainers into the exam?

‘I was hoping to jog my memory’

What do you call two happy mushrooms?

‘Fun guys’

What do angry mice send each other at Christmas time?

‘Cross mouse cards’

What bird is always out of breath?

‘A puffin’

What do you drain your carrots with at Christmas?

‘An advent colander’

What do you call a train loaded with toffee?

‘A chew chew train’

Why is the school football pitch always soggy?

‘Because the players are always dribbling’

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?

‘One that’s deep pan, crisp and even’

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?

‘The outside’

What kind of paper likes music?

‘Rapping paper’

What’s white and goes up?

‘A confused snowflake’

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

‘Annette’

What fish sleep a lot?

‘Kippers’

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?

‘It blew away’

What’s furry and minty?

‘A polo bear’

How do snowmen get around?

‘They ride an icicle’

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

‘A mince spy’

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

‘Lost’

How did the human cannonball lose his job?

‘He got fired’

Why did the skeleton go to the New Year’s Eve party?

‘He had no body to go with’

What did the beaver say to the tree?

‘Nice gnawing you’

What does the word minimum mean?

‘A very small mother’

What’s round and bad tempered?

‘A vicious circle’

Why don’t ducks tell jokes when they’re flying?

‘Because they would quack up’

What do you get if you cross a stereo with a refrigerator?

‘Cool music’

What must you know to be an auctioneer?

‘Lots’

How do snails keep their shells shiny?

‘The use snail varnish’

What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a detective?

‘Sherlock Bones’

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

‘Dam’

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

‘Wi’ Jammin’

How do you make a tissue dance?

‘Put a boogie in it’

What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?

‘You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all… you let yourself down’

What’s white, fluffy and swings through a cake shop?

‘A meringue-utang’

Where does a general keep his armies?

‘Up his sleevies’

What do you give someone who has everything?

‘Penicillin’

What happened to the drunk who fell asleep under a cow?

‘He got #%&$-Faced’

What is green, has a black cloak and holds up stage coaches?

‘Dick Gherkin’

What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

‘You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo’

What is the nearest thing to Silver?

‘The Lone Ranger’s bottom’

My friend died in a bowl of muesli.

‘He got pulled in by a strong current’

What do sea monsters eat?

‘Fish and ships’

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

‘No Idea’

What do you call a sick Crocodile?

‘An illigator’

What do you call a vicar on a motor bike?

‘Rev’

What do you call five bottles of lemonade?

‘A pop group’

What do you get if you lay down under a cow?

‘A pat on the back’

What do you get when you cross a piece of bacon with a spaceship?

‘An unidentified frying object’

What is the most shocking city in the world?

‘Electri-city’

What is yellow and a wiz at math’s?

‘A banana with a calculator’

Why are cooks cruel?

‘They beat eggs, whip cream and batter fish’

What is the best Christmas gift in the world?

‘A broken drum, you just can’t beat it’

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?

‘You’

Why don’t penguins fly?

‘Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots’

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

‘He got 25 days’

What did the Policeman say to the stomach?

‘You’re under a vest’

Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?

‘They have two left feet’

What wobbles and flies?

‘A Jelly-copter’

What goes ha ha ha clonk?

‘A man laughing his head off’

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?

‘A sour puss’

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud

‘Yes sir, it’s fresh ground’

What athlete is warmest in winter?

‘A long jumper’

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?

‘Because he couldn’t concentrate’

What has four legs but can’t walk?

‘A table’

What goes up and never comes down?

‘Your age’

What’s brown, steams and comes out of Cows?

‘The Isle of Wight ferry’

What do you call a man that plays with leaves?

‘Russle’

What is the definition of an American Bra?

‘One yank and it’s off’

What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?

‘Money’

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

‘He had low elf-esteem’

Who was England’s first chiropodist?

‘William the Corncurer’

Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?

‘Because the Bible says He Brews’

What’s the longest word in the English language?

‘Smiles, because there is a “mile” between the first and
the last letters’

What happened when two ships collided at sea. One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint

‘All the sailors ended up being marooned’

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

‘Nothing. It just let out a little wine’

What’s red and white and black all over?

‘Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney’

Where do Snow-women like to dance?

‘At Snowballs’

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a
chimney?

‘Claustrophobia’

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

‘A Holly Davidson’

What do you call a cat in the desert?

‘Sandy Claws’

Did Rudolph go to school?

‘No. He was Elf-taught’

What time is it when you see a Chinese dentist?

‘Tooth-hurty’

How do you stop a skunk smelling?

‘Hold its nose’

What’s tall and wobbly and stands in the middle of Paris?

‘The trifle tower’

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

‘Santa Jaws’

What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman?

Frostbite’

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

‘Snowflakes’

What does a transvestite do for Christmas?

‘Eat, drink and be Mary’

What do reindeer put on a Christmas tree?

‘Horn-aments’

What do you call a snowman in the summer?

‘A puddle’

Where do astronauts leave their cars?

‘At parking meteors’

What happened when a lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins?

‘It was a turtle disaster’

What happens when you phone the local ramblers club?

‘The person who answered just went on and on’

What can you hold without ever touching it?

‘A conversation’

What did a fish in a tank say to the other?

‘You drive I’ll man the guns’

What did the wife say when the psychiatrist asked is there any insanity in you’re family?

’Yes, doctor! My husband thinks he’s the boss’

What did a man with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder order in a pub?

‘A pint and one for the road’

What happened to a mum who confused her valium with her birth control pills?

She had 15 kids but did not really care’

What happened to the hyena that fell into a pot of gravy?

’He made a laughing stock of himself’

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

’She fell in the sink’

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?

’Swimming trunks’

What happens when you have a car crash with an ice-cream van?

‘You get Mr Whippy lash’

How do you get a fat person in bed?

’A piece of cake’

What did the man who collected five thousand door knockers win?

’The nobel prize’

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?

’Jungle Bells, Jungle bells’

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

‘Thanks, I’ll never part with it’

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

‘A pineapple’

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?

‘Platform shoes’

How long does it take to burn a candle down?

‘About a wick’

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?

A merry Christmas to ewe’

 

Xmas-Turkey

 

 I hope you did not groan to much reading Jethro Killed Rudolph

 

UMPIUS-SNOW

 

 

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About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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