Open a bar or restaurant in Spain
Firstly have a walk around all the bars that are for sale. Look for a good location for a bar restaurant with great views exploiting the Spanish sunshine this is where you will entice thousands of tourists, expats and Spanish from all over Spain to come and eat your cuisine.
Target your potential market do your research thoroughly ask other bar owners why they are empty? Disregard any advice they give you. Your urge to fail in the shortest time possible should not be prolonged. Keep all the tips that your staff collect in a tin at home for your return airfares back to England.
Take notice of the bars that are empty especially if there are ten or more in a row with no customers at all in them the potential for a money pit is vastly improved. It is very important for you to observe no footfall equals no customers. With the correct attitude it is obvious these will be the best ones to shortlist and make a fantastic choice for your bar purchase.
One important item for your checklist is to look for the one and only bar that has had most reforms and improvements done to it and it still has no customers during the height of the tourist season.
Once you have eliminated the busy establishments and made your choice try this one out yourself and checkout the menu and prices. Good indications here are the prices too low? Increasing these vastly improves your chances of failure and becoming a bankrupt.
Is the bar only offering traditional Spanish food or the Andalucian gastronomic experience? This will give you great scope to improve the menu.
As you have watched many programs that have shown people buying bars in the wrong location. You have chosen well front line by the beach (Paseo Maritimo) here you can provide a great free service for potential customers with toilet facilities and changing rooms.
You have decided after much research to purchase a lock up local with a long term 25 year full repairing lease.
Things that you should ignore are the high price for the lease and transfer of the lease which will have commissions included in them for everyone and their brother-in-law.
Next the lease itself must have included in the clauses a short review period of one year with a clause that the rent will only will increase. If the freehold is on offer the vendor’s price will be calculated so as to make the mortgage payments higher than the rent agreement.
This will make the rent option the quickest way to reduce your bank account. Because it will be the only option you will have. The banks will never offer a mortgage on the trading figures that the accounts show.
This is where your entrepreneurial skills and business sense can shine through. A nice set of dodgy accounts with healthy profits year on year will give you a good chance for the freehold mortgage. If you are not up to this ask the vendor to supply you with the enhanced version if he has not already done so.
Take note of how many tables are on the terrace because you will in some cases have the dreaded table tax to pay to the Town Hall. Because the sale probably did not included this important item being up-to-date with the previous year’s payment which the vendor, agent and lawyer and also the notary forgot to mention to you. Therefore you are off to a good start if you neglected to check this out when you paid your money.
Your new business bank manager has given you a high limit set of debit and credit cards, your dream of losing your money quicker then an alcoholic gambler on crack has begun.
First a new name for the bar…… Venta Vamoose.
So your calculations on your business plan will show that your costs for the first six months are as follows:-
You need somewhere to live so an eleven month contract with a deposit and a month’s rent in advance. So put aside 5000.00€. Not cheap but you need a large villa with a pool for the family.
Six months rent in advance for the bar plus stock and fixtures and fittings roughly 55000.00€.
Your theme bar refurbishment allow 30000.00€ approximately.
Next is the agent and Lawyer costs this will vary as it will be calculated on the price of the business so allow about 15000.00€.
Utility bills for the bar plus public liability insurance and you must include an increased liability for salmonella and other deadly bacterial infections. Allow for the next six months 2500.00€.
Next is the best idea you have had in ages. Your Internet café access for your customers. Telefonica will get this up and running before your first year expires. This will be a contest of will power what happens first? The bankruptcy or the Telefonica broadband connection?
Computers, computer desks, swivel chairs and cubicles software packages and an IT engineer to set it all up plus advance payments to Telefonica set aside about 6000.00€.
Living costs food petrol cigarettes etc. This includes your wife and your five children two of which had left school and used to contribute with some of their job seekers allowance. Both sets of mother and father-in-laws and Great Granddad Tommy. Also divorced Aunty Joyce and her partner smelly Fred. Again allow six months 3750.49€.
Purchase of a new commercial vehicle will be about 15000.00€ for collecting goods at the Cash & Carry and Iceland. Next the rental of a four by four for six months 12400.00€ to be used for airport runs or to pick up family and friends this is also needed for your trips to play five rounds of golf per week.
Publicity and fliers 6000.00€ this includes free food and drink for the person who distributes this for you.
A good chef plus a front of house manager. Three waiters a cleaner. Phew! Six months 22600.00€ approx.
Private health insurance very important here to have the full package on offer especially helicopter cover to get you to hospital quickly. Because you’re previous health history was not so good. This will be in the region of 2000.00€.
To void your insurance policy claims make sure you do not mention that you retired so young on medical grounds as this enhanced your severance pay and pension as an MP. I think it is best if you do not mention you were an MP.
Entertaining friends and family for the next six months including free food and drinks say 5000.00€.
So the estimated total for the first six months are 88546.49€ (you did not put new batteries in the calculator) the rest you can blow on the bar restaurant purchase, remember you have chosen to fail by taking up an occupation as a self employed bar owner of whom 95% get taken by helicopter to their final destination.
Do not calculate any profits you plan to make in your analysis this is a foolhardy risk.
Ignore the other bar owners laughing and rolling around on the floor at you when you have the team of builders in doing the reforms for the forth time in three years. Posse SL are a very reputable company and these will be the only approved team from your agent.
When you get a customer in they will like the smell of fresh paint. Put notices up about oil based wet paint which the refurbishment team painted everything in sight with. This should dry out in about six hot summer months.
You should have now made good progress towards your demise as a successful businessman. If you survive the first six months you have faired far better than most failures that have trodden the path to purgatory long before you brought your expertise into the Spanish tourist hot spots.
If the previous owners had staff uniforms get rid of them straight away. At your staff interview employ as many gay Goths as possible this will save money on grubby outfits and uniforms. As a bonus they will have a natural knack of insulting customers. Swampy look-alikes are very rare if you are lucky enough to get this type of chap you will be impressed at the way they never turn up for work.
Interview all the female applicants on a separate day. Just make sure they have low cut tops and have burnt their bras. Short skirts or hot pants are an advantage plus beach flip flops. Always have a second interview with this category to make sure you have not made any mistakes with your final choices.
This will also give an opportunity for them to divulge their marital status. This is a good time to ask “are you pregnant?” A good tip for this process is do not permit your wife perform these interviews. Some other questions you may want to ask are. “Do you like reading newspapers? Can you add up?”
Remember the pensioners like to see low cut tops and underwear so employ the one’s who flash as much flesh as possible.
Encourage staff to follow your dress code and additionally ask them to have tattoos done if they have not already got them. HATE across the knuckles looks nice. While most male staff will object, insist that they wear earrings and preferably two or three lip rings in different colours. Try to convince them not to put their false teeth in.
If potential male well groomed applicants turn up for interview in a shirt trousers and shoes do not employ them. This will upset your vision of your future success by them wearing these sorts of clothes for work. Do not employ them.
Polite well dressed female applicants CV’s must be rejected. Your wife or partner will constantly criticise their failings if you are foolish enough to employ them.
- Ask potential employees if they have a problem being paid in arrears in cash?
- Are they insisting on a work contract?
- Have they mentioned healthcare?
- Do they object to you the owner keeping all the tips?
Look out for applicants skills ask them to serve you at one of your tables.
It is essential that they ignore you whilst you are trying to attract their attention as they either read the free newspapers or do they talk to friends or other staff at the far end of the bar whilst serving them free drinks.
If they request your order in less than thirty minutes this is very poor. They have then encouraged customers to order a meal or drink before walking out.
- When they eventually clear the previous customers plates and glasses do they drop most of them?
- Do they just sweep the mess off the table, or ignore your explicit instructions and change the table cloth anyway?
- Do they run off screaming when a cockroach appears from under a napkin?
- Is the sigh audible enough when you ask them anything about the menu?
- Did they get the order right? Is the food cold enough when it is served up?
- Do they give you a surly grimace if you ask for the condiments?
- Do they help themselves to some of the chips on your plate before you started eating?
- Did you have fag ash in your drink?
- Did the incorrect bill come out in your favour?
- Have they put the tip in the till?
The chef must be a smoker (roll ups only) ask if he owns more than one string vest with English mustard stains. Make sure that they are not averse to emptying ashtrays with their hands as do the waiters and waitresses.
Change the cooking range to bulk bottled gas. This is very important if you want to keep the chef alive the last four that worked for previous owners were all electrocuted.
The builders found parts of one cremated chef stuffed down the toilet drain blocking it. But they managed to pressure hose the remains away before anyone found out. (They did the previous rewire)
A good chef will of course be able to display the worst attributes you can imagine spitting on the floor is a good attitude because a chef that does this on returned steaks for being under cooked is essential for a loss making business.
A constantly farting chef will always get the customers in a good mood whilst they wait for their order.
The chef must always drag the slops bin through the bar when you have a busy sitting. Keeping prawn shells and fish heads in the bottom adds atmosphere to the eating experience.
A good money saver is to keep all the edible leftovers, not for your three dogs and two cats but for your family.
Some good tips for you to get the bar flies flocking in are the following:-
- Happy hours from 9.00am. – 12. 00pm.
- Close on Sundays. This is a shrewd move! The burden of getting up early and opening up and cooking the Sunday roasts and paying the staff wages…….What a waste of time!
- A darts and pool team clique who like a fight with customers.
Offer specials on the chalk board such as:-
Menu del Dia
Sugared jam doughnut with chocolate dip or mussels in garlic.
One pint of lager
Pukka curry meat pie & chips with mushy peas or Seafood platter & chips
One pint of bitter
Knickerbocker Glory Sundae or Rice Pudding
One pint of cider
Tea or coffee including mini pot of milk
Free Peach Brandy. 17.50€.
Some menu suggestions:-
Gazpacho surprise: Served hot 6.00€.
Additions, diced Onions, tomatoes, peppers, cucumber, Toasted bread croutons, 1.50€ per dish.
Cod and chips with mushy peas or garden peas (frozen) 14.50€
A free coffee or tea. Milk is extra at 2€ per mini pot.
Additions: Slice of bread 1€ with butter 2€.
Small Pickled onions 1.50€ each. Large 2.00€
Mrs Elswood Haimisha cucumbers 3.50€ each.
An extra tablespoon of oil soaked crackling 1€.
Chefs signature dish – Never been done before in Spain
Try our Wok Waldorf
Wok stir fried Soggy salad with bean shoots in soy sauce. 7.00€.
* Chef will Stir fry any crispy salad you choose from the salad bar *
Best Breakfasts on the Coast
One egg, one streaky rasher of bacon, one chipolata, beans or tomatoes.
Orange juice & tea or coffee. 5.00€
Two eggs, two rashers of Spanish bacon, two small pork sausages,
beans or tomatoes.
Orange juice & tea or coffee. 8.00€.
Gut Buster a Blood Vessel Special Breakfast:
Two double yolker eggs, three Danish rashers of bacon, two large sausages, One large hot dog frankfurter, beans & tomatoes.
Mushrooms, fried slice, fried onions, three hash browns, black pudding,
Basket of chips.
four toast. (buttered) & one small pot of marmalade.
Orange juice & mug of tea or coffee. 25.00€.
All additional sides offered in the Gut buster are available for the mini and big breakfasts at 2€ per portion.
Sizzling Pil Pil. Seven baby shrimps (shells on) with garlic and chilli. 7.50€.
Chips with bravas salsa 5.00€ a small bowl.
Traditional oven baked Spanish tortilla: Baked potato filled with a runny boiled egg and diced onion topped with aioli. 12.00€.
Chorizo and squid skewers on a bed of sardines garnished with olives from the groves of the Corleone family. 15.00€.
A La Carte
Catalan lime drizzled scallops with Basque quails eggs, served with Moorish courgette salad and chips. 27.50€
Calamari empandillas with artichoke hearts & asparagus decorated with honey coated deep fried aubergine slices and monkfish eyes with chips. 38.67€
Gooey sweet breads wrapped in Serrano ham with spaghetti smothered in a chilli tomato sauce included are delicious sautéed Spanish potatoes.
(Chips optional) 19.83€.
Moroccan spicy goat meat and couscous with deep fried stuffed dates. sprinkled with finely chopped goat toe nails, 27.00€
Chef’s Vegetarian special: Surf & Turf, Very thin rare entrecote steak served alongside tuna heads, served with pimientos, curd cheese & fresh herbs.
Side dip of pureed spinach & chickpea sauce, and nachos. 29.00€.
El niño. Solomillo hamburguesa el bollo y queso con patata fritas 9.99€.
Three flavours of ice cream are available. 5.00€ each scoop. If you order all three flavours or three scoops only 14.00€.
Crème caramel with hundreds and thousands dressing. 6.50€.
Free Imodium with every meal.
Baked beans are going to part of your signature food for the breakfasts these must be left to simmer for one week before serving. This is easily done you must buy ten catering sized tins from the wholesaler and chuck the lot into a metal dustbin and light up the gas ring that was used for the paella dish by the previous Spanish owners to cook on in the back yard. This is a very convenient way to do your style of cooking because it is beside the waste bins.
Encourage the chef to consume and taste the baked beans as much as possible this will improve the volume and frequency of passing wind.
Offer warm real ales such as Spitfire or guest draught bitter in a sangria jug pour in a tin of mixed fruit salad then add a dash of Pimms with a sparkler and little umbrella hanging off the side.
Ensure pre-booked tables are occupied for the sitting this is very necessary for phone bookings with no 50% deposit paid. This will infuriate regular customers when they arrive for a meal at their favourite table. Squeeze these moaning regulars onto the nappy changing table next to the toilets.
Do not give out a free biscuit with tea or coffee these are only used to feed the sparrows the same goes for baskets of bread make a surcharge of 4€ for rolls or bread this will discourage this practice.
A good idea to help keep customers away is do not replace rocking tables with uneven legs or dodgy plastic chairs. Replace the plastic chair cushions with a nice garish colour. Sprinkle over the cushions tomato and brown sauce and of course my favourite Tabasco sauce then add a little vinegar over them to give the used look effect so as to encourage the right clientele in.
Potential customers such as the expat oldies must be alienated as soon as they turn up. This group of customers will occupy most of the tables on the terrace for the breakfast period rush. They will complain about your prices and menu choice to every one in your local area. Inform your staff to ignore this target group as they will only order one tea or coffee every couple of hours and the occasional sticky bun or toasted tea cake and moan to you about the weather, then the exchange rate and the food prices in Mercadona.
If you still have the will to live and want to listen to some more with a nice smile. You can hear chapter and verse about the latest operation that went wrong and requests for you to empty their incontinence bag for them.
They have a great pastime which is to read all the free newspapers you are providing then rip them up to prop a table leg. The remaining newspapers are nicked because of the high price of your tea or coffee this entitles them to take your stock of newspapers away with them.
Tourists are another potential problem and may come into your bar with half a dozen BritBrats in tow. If possible, get your young children to run amok with them screaming as if they are in the community swimming pool. If your own children are at home in the villa playing on the Playstation 3, encourage some other kids from an adjacent bar.
Make sure you skimp on anything that you serve new customers cut down the chips and vegetables and salads this will save putting so much waste in the bin when they eventually leave.
Another great idea is actively encourage looky looky men and Mexican hat dance troupes to constantly visit your bar. “Adios muchachos.” Has a great trumpet solo that lasts for ages.
Do not allow the massage girls from the beach (playa) in your bar they only want to use the loo they will also pester your potential customers. “Uwe wan mlaasaaaaagge blig bloy? Oh do-be-doo.” (French)
The terraces are where you spent a lot of additional refurbishment money on the new awnings. Tramps will start turning up to sleep on your terraces during the night. To wake them up give them a good kicking watch out for their packs of dogs as they are very loyal to their owners and may get you if you are not quick on your feet.
With their previous nights hangovers they will puke up in the plant pots. Stand your ground and ignore these trying to claim for food poisoning as they never buy anything in your bar. Do not feed their dogs put notices up about this.
During the daytime they will infest several prime location tables on the terrace. In the winter months ensure that you have a good coverage of outside gas heaters to keep them warm for the day and evening.
Well dressed groups of tourists should be discouraged they expect too much of your teams friendly service. If you notice them looking at your menu board instruct one of your staff to rub out the chalk board offers and inform them you are closing shortly. This is an important ploy because your chef wants double bubble for overtime and there is a big possibility they may stay until late drinking all your wine stock.
If you really want to speed up the bankruptcy process start running a tab for the ten tattooed mates that you entertain. Do not include the free rounds of drinks and breakfasts. Just laugh off their complaints about the mini breakfast that you give them tell them they are too fat and you are helping them out. Well it is only being cruel to be kind you are going to golf with them every day after all.
To discourage any other potential customers have four televisions blaring out with different sport channels and karaoke X factor wanabee’s during happy hours. The fake Wurlitzer should have the volume set to maximum.
Never change the covers on the tables during sittings, just brush of the mess onto the floor to feed the cockroaches.
You will always remember the good times and many happy memories like the night you only had one punter in the bar. Romero, he was still dipping his crusty bread in the bowl of olive oil that he bought for breakfast. This was the night that three coach loads of people turned up because the mountain road to the mock bullfight was dug up for road works and was closed off.
One coach was full of people on a tour from England. They were all on licence and were tagged. Another coach was full of Barcelona supporters.
The last coach was a Spanish hen night.
It was quite a successful evening only a few problems with the food orders. The English party had one person in a prison officer’s uniform doing the order which was. Forty eight solomillo hamburguesa el bollo y queso con patata fritas. Twenty with no cheese, six with no onions, five with the bun not toasted, three with no hamburger, one with no bun, two with no chips. Forty seven aqua con gas, one aqua sin gas. (no alcohol allowed) The waiter messed the order up and could not find the glass of aqua sin gas.
The football supporters were a great bunch of guys a couple of them took one pool player in the cash and carry van to the hospital with a dart in his temple.
The hen party enjoyed themselves they joined in the karaoke. They had loads of tinto verano and cerveza chasers. The food order was varied but mostly Solomillo hamburguesa el bollo y queso con patata fritas.
They were very interested in the waitress’s body jewellery and many of them went for trips to the toilets to look at the adornments. Happy Dave the front of house manager kept going in with them as well?
The food critic from the local free paper had also visited your bar that night he had Solomillo hamburguesa el bollo y queso con patata fritas. He subsequently gave a good review in his weekly column. He was a bit unkind with his comments about the tramps dogs howling to your acoustic performance of Guantanamera by Jose Feliciano.
Your wife was also upset when he laughed so much at her he nearly choked on his hamburger when she did her dance to the Toreador song by Plácido Domingo which came on the Wurlitzer when the Spanish girls put it on.
He took a photo of this which was in the paper showing the pose of her striking down the imaginary barbed flags like a banderillero into the pool player with the dart in his head. The polka dot red ra-ra skirt looked a bit unflattering as did her smudged lipstick. But she was pleased with the way her calves looked in the six inch stilettos.
You were very angry of the photo of you in the Zorro outfit wearing Cuban heel platform shoes during your enthusiastic performance of the cockarocha stomp. The critic did not know the truth!
When the Wurlitzer blared out Viva Espaná everyone sang along. The konga went down a storm when the Hokey Cokey came on even the tramps and gypsy rose sellers and looky looky men joined in.
♫ You put your left leg in ♪
You put your left leg out ♪
You put your left leg in ♪
And you shake it all about. ♪
You do the Hokey cokey and you turn yourself around ♪
That’s what it’s all about… ♫
♫ Oh, the hokey cokey, ♪
Oh, the hokey cokey, ♪
Oh, the hokey cokey, ♪
That’s what it’s all about…………. Ohhhh!…♫
This was the exact time everything went silent and dark. Smelly Fred (chef) came running out of the kitchen like a scalded cat waving his arms in the air screaming like a loon. It turned out the stupid idiot had turned the fly zapper on. This had not been rewired properly. It had given him such a belt that his hair was smoking and his plastic croc shoes had melted to his feet!
A Spaniard threw a jug of sangria over him and patted him down with a table cloth. His picture was also in the paper his charred mustard vest came out well in the photo. Fortunately the hole in the back of his shorts could not be seen. But hey! Any publicity is good publicity!
The night carried on after eight of the Spanish lads sorted the electric out and got it all working again. Boy can they argue!
Next up was Ting Tong the massage girl on karaoke she had a Blondie wig on and hopped from one foot to the other, her hands twirling around as if she was skipping.
♫ Denis Denis, avec tes yeux si bleux ♪
Denis Denis, moi j’ai flashe a nous deux ♪
Denis Denis, un grand baiser d’eternite ♪
Denis Denis, je suis si folle de toi ♪
Denis Denis, oh embrasse-moi ce soir ♪
Denis Denis, un grand baiser d’eternite♪
Oh Denis doo-be-do ♪
I’m in love with you, Denis doo-be-do ♪
I’m in love with you, Denis doo-be-do ♪
I’m in love with you. ♫
Ah! The memories. The following morning is a day that you will never forget the 6th of June D day (doomed). To celebrate the previous evening’s success and takings you dug Great Granddad Tommy out from the storeroom and dusted off his wheel chair. It was about time he had a look at the bar. He had invested his life savings into your family’s new venture, so why not?
You just knew something was up as all the roads to the beach were blocked off for road works the entire front main road was ripped up and Lorries and heavy plant were everywhere.
Getting the wheel chair and GG Tommy along to the bar was difficult but after a half hours struggle you got there. Three Guardia Civil officers were waiting outside the bar Hola! Hola! Hola!
They had arrested smelly Fred in Barcelona after they found him in a skip. But apparently they were not too concerned about him they said he had put up quite a fight and that is why he had all the cosh bruises on his legs.
GG Tommy was polishing the road work’s dust off his medals and saluting them. This seemed to upset one of them and he coshed GG Tommy a few times on his legs. It seemed pointless trying to explain they were false they were in an ugly mood.
You tried to wake up one of the Spanish tramps who talked a bit of English to explain to them you were the owner. The Guardia helped out by coshing him a few times as well. The tramp explained that they knew you were the owner. Then the tramp said they wanted to see all the licences and permits and staff documents and NIE numbers.
The Town Hall closure notices were put up on every shutter by the local policia later that day. It was your lucky day in other respects. The officers called up the medical helicopter after you had collapsed.
By the time you got out of hospital three months later, smelly Fred’s court appearance for assaulting the Guardia had been dealt with. The Judge had sentenced him to four weeks in jail and had fined him 3000.00€ compensation to the officers.
Aunty Joyce had kept a local free newspaper with the article about smelly Fred he was pictured as he left court in his new string vest and union jack swimming trunks. The hospital surgeons were unable to remove the red melted crocs from his feet. The bar closure was featured in the centre pages.
It transpired that your wife had settled your hospital bills with money from Ivan the loan shark.
After the first six months, the next six would turn out to be you’re most challenging.
Times are hard! You have descended into the gutter with the chip pan oil and dead chefs. You worry about feeding the kids get them to eat from customers plates in other bars this saved money feeding them. Resisting the temptation and urge to do the same was a challenge even though you felt like you have been on hunger strike for a week. You caught your wife doing this and reminded her about her fat a$%e!
No overdraft from the bank. The free help from friends and family had finished since they have all disappeared now that summer is over. The van has never been seen since the night it was used to ferry people to and from the hospital.
The Mercedes ML 270 was snatched back by the hire company. They sent you a factura (bill) for a new clutch, four tyres, replacement exhaust, new rear door and a re-spray and two new seats.
The engine repair bill (factura) would be posted to you to finalise the claim as soon as the engineers had sorted out the big ends and new head gaskets and replacement turbo.
You re-open for a short time some months later with more help from Ivan you have thought out some great sales opportunities to get things going again. Diversification into sunglasses, Rolex watches, wobbly donkeys, pirate DVD’s and ham sandwiches garnished with Santa Anna crisps proved unsuccessful and had left you in further debt to the Somalian warlord in your province – Dada Oumee.
Dada was getting heavy he had taken over your debts to Ivan which had doubled as his rates were much higher.
Aunty Joyce had loaned more money from Dada to pay smelly Fred’s fine for his release. Added to this was the loan for the grua to get GG Tommy back to the villa. The policia had found him in a dump truck in the road works a few days after one of the kids noticed he was not in the storeroom when they got the skate boards out. She also bought a new wheel chair for GG as someone had stolen the wheels off his old one during the night while he waited outside the bar.
Your remaining loan shark money had to pay out the compensation on the court case that you lost to the family of a customer who had died at one of your tables. Your defence that you all thought it was a tramp still asleep from the previous day offered no mitigation in fact the Judge locked up your wife for seven weeks for insulting the deceased customers family in court and added a further 2000.00€ fine.
Mad dog Umbutto kidnapped Aunty Joyce as she had used your name as guarantor to Dada. Umbutto left a message in goat blood scrawled on the villa front door roughly translated it said she was toast if you did not pay up within the next six months.
You managed to get second mortgage money paid into a new bank account on a golfing mate’s apartment that you were key holding for and paid everyone off. Luckily he had left all the bank documents and escitura and so on in the apartment safe to which you had the key that he had mistakenly left on the key ring. Handily he had left his car key as well.
You all lived and slept in the bar, kitchen and backyard since you were all thrown out of the villa for not paying rent and the utility bills.
The villa owner that had you evicted was from a family that had a long proud history and tradition of serving in the Guardia Civil he also denounced your family for the many callouts by fellow officers due to noise and domestic disputes and graffiti by your children all over his and his neighbours villas they also discovered the same tags on the Police station. The Judge awarded him your bar restaurant as compensation.
You spend the rest of your stay in Spain on the beach during the night and most days. As you were so kind to them the tramps help you out as much as they can. You offer to walk the tramps dogs for a small fee. They and their dogs roll around laughing at you along with the new owners of Vamoose.
The Guardia arrest you and all your relatives at the airport as you try to book flights home on a credit card that has been blocked. At your hearing you take the rap. Your family is deported back to England.
When they find Aunty Joyce she will be sent back at the earliest opportunity.
One day a fellow inmate brings you some news you are featured in the local free English newspaper again this time you have made the front page. The report has interviews with a long list of creditors.
You are quite impressed with the amount of money you owe. A timeshare executive salesperson would be proud of what you have achieved.
Still your pride is intact you did not food poison a vast majority of the local inhabitants who knew about your fantastic reputation. Most of the healthy populace were actually unaware that you had ever opened.
Work hard and prosper.