“You are going to die amigo”
First course:- Basics module I
Firstly if your five year old child has finished having driving lessons on your lap and you are satisfied you have damaged every neighbours´ car in some way we can progress to the next stage which is your perfecting “Driving the Spanish way.”
The brake pedal is the one in the middle sometimes you have to use this. Automatic cars will be dealt with in the advanced course module II.
If you were self taught to drive from age eleven on a scooter there is no need to read this advice.
Men should remove flip flops and dip their feet into a tray of perfumed talcum powder to prevent sweaty plates of meat slipping off the control pedals during emergency situations. Keep the tray stored under the driver’s seat for easy access.
Women you can also remove your flip flops before putting the toe separators in-place whilst the toe nail varnish dries during the journey. Place your feet in the talcum powder when it is convenient to do so.
Give the hooter a good testing before moving off. When you actually full throttle away attempting to get a wheel spin continue to blast the horn as much as possible until you leave the area you live in.
Put the car’s air conditioning on then open the driver’s window and hang your arm out down the door and click your fingers as though you are playing castanets this looks so cool. Change gear and steer with your right finger tip. If you have a right hand drive and UK plates do the opposite.
Practice the required ape-like arm swinging action in conjunction with the finger clicking the next time you are dancing at the local ferias. Use both arms to impress the ladies.
Do not have the air conditioning set on low because when you are putting your flip flops back on the talcum powder will have set like a plaster cast or your toe nail varnish will have cracked.
Remember the lighter that your finger tip touch is on the steering wheel will enable you to feel every bump transmitted through it as you run over defenceless animals and people.
Wave and hoot at the missus and her mates as you go around the local roundabout.
Be aware that flashing your headlights and hooting at the same time is deemed as a threat. This action implies you want a fight.
At all road junctions you must look right before cutting up fellow motorists that are bearing down on you from the left continue looking the other way when you pull out to turn left at snails pace. Do not worry about scooters and motorbikes this is an opportunity to get your own back for all the cutting up they have done to you in the past. Please learn left from right otherwise this element will be the death of you.
Slip road entries onto dual carriage ways and motorways are your initiation into the blood line of Spanish driving skills ignore as always the brake pedal press the accelerator as far as it will go. Just imagine you have grown those massive bull horns from each side of your forehead and your grin must be accompanied by a curled lip at one side of your mouth.
It is very important that you attempt to get to the fast lane without losing momentum so do not indicate or use your mirrors. Beware of juggernauts and coaches they have bigger hooters.
Ignore the give way or stop markings in the road. If you notice these put your foot down whilst having a chat on your mobile phone.
Use the hand that is hanging out the driver’s door window for the mobile phone. The other one is required for the hooter!
Roundabouts are very tricky. Close your eyes after you take aim for the direction you are heading. If you hear hooters press the throttle. This is the one on the far right of the three (manual)
Hoot and go bonkers at any traffic jam and road works or if you spot any friends driving on the same road as you.
If your amigos (mates) are walking stop your car in the middle of the road and have a long chat with them.
Undertaking and lane changing – after the high speed chase in the outside lane and despite you having the indicator on to overtake for the last few miles the person in front of you is still putting lipstick on and ignoring the fact that you have to get to Iceland’s before they sell out of fresh milk. Just flash your headlights and hoot (indicating you want a fight) then undertake.
To successfully complete this manoeuvre cut back in front of the idiot that has been holding everyone up and slam your brakes on. If they wave a stiletto at you push the accelerator.
Look in your mirrors when pulling out to overtake just to make sure that someone is hairing up behind you in the outside lane; do not indicate just pull out. As always hoot back at them.
Always keep as near as possible to any vehicle that is front of you especially in the rain.
Solid double white lines down the centre of the road are an exciting opportunity to overtake.
Also note if you need to turn left or right across solid double white lines do not indicate you are going to do this manoeuvre otherwise somebody will hoot you.
When approaching bends go for the racing line on corners this achieves the best speed, aim to cut the apex. Obviously if somebody is heading for you on their side of the road at the apex flash them up plus hoot a lot and wave your fist at them.
Go slow until somebody tries to overtake you. Then have a race remember hoot them up if they manage to get past you. When you re-overtake them make sure there is no room for them to filter back in.
If you are going down hill and hit the speeds bumps at a very fast speed you will overtake the next person by your car leaping over them Evil Knievel style. A useful tip for this driving manoeuvre is stand up from the driving seat when pressing the accelerator.
Mini roundabouts are very good overtaking opportunities as a vehicle starts to slow down and goes to the right. Zoom past on the left hand side of the roundabout. Do not worry about oncoming traffic they will stop.
When you need to overtake a line of traffic waiting at road works hoot the guy with the stop/go board so that he flips it around to go. Do not run him over because his colleague at the other end of the road works defiantly needs to hear his screams trying to avert a disaster.
Teams of cyclists filling up your lane and slowing your journey time down require extra effort on your vehicles hooter to make these spandex road warriors move over blast the horn as if you are a taxi driver moving someone on unloading passengers from the taxi rank at the airport. But beware when you pass the irate cyclists that you have not frightened to death and have not yet fallen off their bikes you must give them a wide berth as they will kick out at your car and possibly cause damage to your paintwork.
Traffic lights: Green – Go : Amber – Go faster : Red – “Banzai!”
Hoot like mad if anyone else does what you love doing best.
Speed restriction signs or any road signs for that matter are there to be ignored.
Close all windows whilst doing over 150kph.
Downhill freewheeling – recline the drivers seat as far back as it will go and accelerate. Gain as much speed as you can before you engage neutral gear and hurtle towards oblivion on the downside of a huge mountain road. Turn the volume up on the radio otherwise the screaming passengers will distract you from this thrill of a lifetime.
If you notice Trafico put your seatbelt on and drop the mobile phone and return your seat to the upright position. When Trafico Guardia Civil officers hoot at you…….Hoot back!
A round red sign with a white horizontal stripe means nothing at all.
Hoot up any person driving the correct direction in a one way street they are not allowed on it when you need a short cut.
Flick your cigarette stubs into the verges as you drive along. Along with all rubbish in the car.
Always go for a parking space someone is politely waiting to go into they will be a wimp for waiting in the first place.
Campo tracks are where you can drive the fastest when you are blind drunk. You can make as much dust as possible similar to a speed record attempt on the Bonnerville salt flats. Cyclists and dog walkers should get an extra hooting. If they wave their fists at you things are progressing well with your training my Padawan.
The only time you do not hoot is when you rubber neck at any accidents. Get out of the car and check it is not somebody you know. If a blanket is covering the bodies lift it up to check their identity if it is possible. Have a chat with the officers present to make sure they do not live in your province or village or urbanisation.
Ask the paramedics if you can have one of the deceased ears as a trophy if you have caused this tragic pile-up.
Indicators? Advanced module course III.
Advanced module course IV will include useful skills on parking and double parking. Also tips on how to park at ATM’s/Supermarkets/Shops. Hints on how to park head on up the curb and pavement and other useful parking alternatives for example the zebra crossing or disabled bays.
When you return home re-test the hooter. Hoot a lot more if somebody has taken your favourite parking space. Get as near as possible to your lost parking bay by battering the cars either side of any gap you find until you get safely parked.
Put your flip flops back on.
Advanced module course V: How to put make up on whilst driving on the motorway. Also how to read maps or a newspaper at speeds above 160kph.
Advanced module course VI: What blue lights in the rear view mirror mean also instructions about how simple it is to operate the Sat Nav with your big toe!
Advanced module course VII: How to insult a taxi driver – Simples just hoot them up!
The final course module VIII is how to apply for a provisional driving licence.
If you are an expert horseman you must still apply and eventually take the driving test even if you have been driving farm machinery from the age of four.
This blog was first posted 0n 16 July 2009
Comments imported from my previous weblog host:-
19 July 2009 19:04
I have tears streaming down my eyes. I am sure my neighbours sitting in their garden would call the local police if they tought for one minute that they would arrive. Now they know I must be mad for non stop and rather loud laughter. My Spanish friends have often told me that most accidents here are caused by the brits who are not used to driving on the right side of the road. They are always right you know but I am going to show your blog to them at the office. They will smile politely whilst seething inside.
20 July 2009 11:50
Brilliant!! The best laugh I’ve had for ages but sadly it’s all a well observed picture of how we Brits see Spanish drivers. Also it is how some Brits drive after living in Spain for a while, perceiving it as part of the laid-back lifestyle.IDIOTS!!
20 July 2009 19:06
Ha ha ha … very funny and 100% true! I wonder if the writer is the same person who wrote another article about speed controller! Anyway, keep writing Umpius Grumpias !
22 July 2009 14:07
I was in stitches. You’ve captured all that goes on when driving in Spain taking into account EOS members posts too for good measure. I write a blog on blogger.com & I’ve put this in it & added lots of graphics to embellish it. You missed out waving to the roundabout ‘ladies’ though !