Dead MP’s Walking

“Never has so much been taken by so few”


Your vote counts

Feeling apathetic?



Ay oop! Drama at Westminster. Commons sense? Are you represented in your constituency for the next year by a zombie MP?

What happened to de-selection? Have a good clearout. Good citizens will work for public service for less reward.

The Government is the only means of a solution to the ongoing debacle. “You buffoons”…………….Call an election and get it all over with. Stop dithering.

The saints are guilty by association. The phenomenon of an inadequate Westminster and our custodians lack of appetite and urgency for a quick election are a disgrace.

Publish your manifestos then stick to them. Whip your members on manifesto pledges but allow a free vote on all other matters.

Not the pledges of sops and alleged parliamentarians. Whom are easily whipped. Some like being whipped without having to vote!

The proposal of “Call Back” has some merit. At least actual voters can remove the errant misfits.

Second homes are for members to attend Parliament. Have you seen the attendance on television? Part time hours…..Full time pay and expenses.

The commons gravy train has flushed the trust of the electorate into the gutter which has now proceeded down the drain and is now keeping the rats company.

Honourable members privileges, shame on your house. The political elite who have exploited the system and chiselled expenses are dishonourable cheats they have a tainted moral compass which only points them in the direction of the fees office. What pampered scoundrels!

National Democratic Renewal Council. I think I am going to be sick!Small wonder voting apathy rules.

The green book: AKA ATM

Expense claims:-

Members of Parliament are provided with financial support in the form of allowances to enable them to work effectively in Parliament and in their constituencies.

Parliamentary allowances are designed to ensure that Members are reimbursed for costs properly incurred in the performance of their duties. They provide support for:

  • employing staff (Staffing Expenditure)
  • provision of facilities, equipment and supplies for themselves and their staff (Administrative and Office Expenditure)
  • overnight stays away from home whilst on parliamentary duties (Personal Additional Accommodation Expenditure)
  • communicating with constituents (Communications Expenditure)
  • House stationery and postage (Stationery and Postage)
  • travel – between Westminster, the constituency and main home (Travel expenditure)
  • Members who are contemplating incurring an expense which is large or unusual, or who are uncertain about any allowance, should contact the Department beforehand for advice.

Not all circumstances are covered in the Green Book, and the Department may be able to assist Members whose circumstances are unusual.

The Members Estimate Committee has confirmed the Department’s authority to administer the rules set out in the Green Book. The Department is expected to bring to the attention of individual Members instances where they may appear to be vulnerable to criticism or accusations of impropriety. of Conduct and underpin the allowance regime. When making claims against parliamentary allowances, Members must adhere to these principles.

The principles are:-

  • Claims should be above reproach and must reflect actual usage of the resources being claimed.
  • Claims must only be made for expenditure that it was necessary for a Member to incur to ensure that he or she could properly perform his or her parliamentary duties.
  • Allowances are reimbursed only for the purpose of a Member carrying out his or her parliamentary duties. Claims cannot relate to party political activity of any sort, nor must any claim provide a benefit to a party political organisation.
  • It is not permissible for a Member to claim under any parliamentary allowance for anything that the Member is claiming from any other source.
  • Members must ensure that claims do not give rise to, or give the appearance of giving rise to, an improper personal financial benefit to themselves or anyone else.
  • Members are committed to openness about what expenditure has been incurred and for what purposes.
  • Individual Members take personal responsibility for all expenses incurred, for making claims and for keeping records, even if the administration of claims is delegated by them to others.
  • and accountability role; and the representative role, including dealing with constituents’ problems and (ii) obligations they may have, for example as a small employer. Anything which is done for personal benefit or for electioneering or for the direct support of a political party will not be part of a Member’s parliamentary duties.
  • Does the claim match the purpose of the allowance in question as set out later in the Green Book?
  • Could the claim in any way damage the reputation of Parliament or its Members?
  • How comfortable do I feel with the knowledge that my claim will be available to the public under Freedom of Information?

Rough guide to expenses:-

Sirs, I submit the following claims to the fees office:-

A rent free duck house in my moat for quackers. The Mallards also need exclusive GM free bread from Harrods. The footman usually collects this along with the foie gras. Order! ……….Order!

We also had to construct a lovely bay with 5 new willow trees planted by the pond which is now adorned with a beautiful pergola decorated with wisteria and a hardwood bench imported from Thailand to keep a watchful eye on Quackers, Crispy, Bombay and Orville in their tranquil setting. ₤11400 approximately should cover it.

This helps me focus on my parliamentary work whilst I relax in the shade in my new hammock ₤99.99p.

Due to the severe frost last winter 3 exotic water lilies died in the pond the replacements have been ordered from Japan. Damned greenhouse gases I expect. We will forward the invoice as soon as we get it.

Sadly we lost 2 Mexican ducks due to the latest flu virus. ₤97.50p plus VAT.

The cost of moving the helicopter landing pad so as not to annoy the Drakes has been rather costly. ₤14335.38p. This also includes the modifications to the tennis court.

Forestry work on the estate has put my family under great stress and I would like you to confirm the 70 acres of landscaping that I applied for last year has been approved.

The servants quarters which are a legitimate claim for our wellbeing are ₤17000.00p

The window cleaning on my second home amounted to ₤90 a month so ₤1080.00p is claimed for this.

A Sony plasma HD cinema system 60” minimum plus a DVD recorder with a few accessories. Digital top of the range HD hard disk recorder. A few digital SLR cameras for the family. A touch iPhone and replacement iPods in various colours for the kids make that 3 ₤19750. Ooops! Almost forgot play station 3 and a Nintendo DSI. Shucks nearly forgot my newborn son needs a new laptop (pink) for research work on my behalf. So if you would kindly top this up to ₤27649.11p.

Some nice soft furnishings for my second home plus additional toilet seats. I under claimed for the period 2006 – 2007 so ₤25000 will probably be OK but will leave me out of pocket. Please advise if I can put in for a little more say ₤35000 in total if that is agreeable.

By the way thank you for agreeing the antique bookcases for the library. This has helped my research assistants greatly. Uncle Ron is very pleased with some of the new best sellers.

For my main residence please read above and add ₤10000 but please note the necessary additions I am claiming for are fundamental for my future work on behalf of my constituents.

The dry rot in my nieces reduced rented house in France needs urgent attention as she is essential for my secretarial work. (For tax purposes this is my main residence) She also likes Ferrero Rocher so one box a day plus ₤60.00p for entertaining. Also 6 sets of dinner services (bone china only) I will accept your expertise on this matter as to how much the maximum allowance is for this to be settled. I estimate this claim to be in the region of ₤28660.00p I await you approval and conformation that this figure is agreed.

The costs for research that my extended family carry out for me to perform my duties have spiralled. Please remember the House of Commons did not vote for an increase in salary last year so I would like your advice how to top this up. A fellow Parliamentarian across the floor has informed me I am under claiming by about ₤20000 your advice would be appreciated.

Please advise if my investment purchase of a forth home will be a difficulty. This is for my new partner who cannot be named for divorce reasons. As this is a Mews dwelling I have submitted the cost for soundproofing the bedroom walls. The invoice includes the cost of the acoustic mineral wool slabs and labour plus VAT.

It is important for you to note the slabs are energy efficient thus reducing the carbon footprint on the property and higher claims on the energy bills. Great news for saving the tax payer money.

The mortgage interest payments on this property are affecting my ability to get up in the morning and attend Parliament so I would be most grateful if you could include a radio alarm clock in your calculations.

The Sky sports package for my London home is allowable under “additional costs.” This amounts to ₤30.00p a month.

I also purchased 52 lottery tickets out of my own salary which should be reimbursed in full. I feel this should not be claimed retrospectively so please forward next years funding of tickets.

My travel expenses may seem a little high but I have four homes to run around and upkeep is very difficult in these times of crisis especially the way my disposable income has been reduced by the credit crunch.This of course means a higher salary for the chauffeur in overtime payments and NI. The agency replacement chauffeur during holidays is included in the claim ₤47600.00p

Could you also advise me on tax avoidance on the new 50% band that our illustrious iron fisted Chancellor has proposed in the budget as you will be aware the expenses claims take me way over the allowance. Would you kindly ask the Speaker to have a word with him about the consequences as they are unthinkable. This will have a disastrous effect on honourable members being able to perform their duties for their constituents.

If you are unable to rubber stamp the claim for tax avoidance. Please allow an additional ₤12500 for specialist accountant advice.

Please do not inform the Inland Revenue as the accountant you paid for last year has recommended we keep this under the radar. Something to do with under declaring and a compliance investigation.

I have cancelled our newspaper order for the Daily and Sunday Telegraph. So this will not be claimed in the future.

The paperboy has made a claim against me for the savaging he got from the hounds. I thought about using our third party insurance cover to meet the legal liabilities and compensation. I will send you the paperwork from his solicitor.

On other matters due to the scrutiny panels findings I have enclosed a cheque to refund the full amount for the following:-

  • 6 Cases of Chateau Neuf-du-Pape.
  • One gross of condoms (various types and flavours)
  • Sit-on lawn mower.
  • The duplicated items from Ann Summers. I do apologise for this error I did not know my wife had claimed for the same items.
  • 2 bouncy castles.
  • Birthday and Christmas cards to my family including the cost for stamps. I did explain to the panel that they are constituents. But on reflection I do agree with the panels findings.
  • 4 trips to Disney World on fact finding missions to see the effects of climate change on the Everglades. This claim is now being reimbursed in full.

I must inform you in my defence that I returned to the fees office the redacted discs by courier. (₤95.37p) You requested this information should be reviewed which I did most diligently and I made sure it had all been sanitised properly. Therefore I am not entirely to blame for the publics anger over these entitlements being published.

When MI 6 have finished with the swine who stole this highly confidential information. Please bump off that treacherous SAS chap as well. I suggest you use the same team who successfully carried out other renditions to our friends in the Middle East.

My leader instructed me to justify my actions at the first opportunity with my selection committee. Which you would have probably read about in last Sundays newspapers. The evil broadcasters featured me on Panorama I have not seen the program but I understand some of my colleagues came out far worse in this unbalanced program.

The meeting was held in our constituency in the village public house the ‘Pig and Duck Whistle.’ Which by the way is now in my wife’s name. We laid on crab paste sandwiches and HobNobs (₤66.00p.) It was I am told, a calm atmosphere until I arrived and all hell seemed to break loose!

To be honest they just would not listen to my explanations as to why the local hospital had closed also the village post office and of course the school has had very poor stats so it was inevitable that the closure would be announced. It was so unfortunate this happened on the same day as my meeting with the committee.

I do not understand how so many pensioners managed to get to the meeting as there is no bus service to and from the village nowadays.

The expenses seemed to be the reason they were not happy with my performance. I thought it was bad form my wife taking their side and voting for my resignation as well.

She is just so ungrateful. The glamour photos of her that you kindly approved payment for last year which I personally thought were fantastic. Especially the ones I posted on face book.

I also made it very clear at the meeting that the spurious allegations about the Mews property were bordering on slander.

I suggest the meeting was full of stooges from the G20 riots and Tamil Tiger protesters and the Women’s Institute.

I have to submit a further claim for dentistry work for a new set of veneers which were very expensive ₤17450.62p. The reason I have submitted this is because as I ran from the meeting I was assaulted by two old boys in the car park who beat the living daylights out of me with walking sticks. The four journalists who stuck the boot in should be ashamed of themselves.

The stab proof vest supplied free of charge from the Home Office saved me from more serious injuries. The protection cup probably saved my life as I took most of the kicks in this area of my body.

I have written to the Home Secretary and Chief Constable about the six police officers who just stood there laughing during this brutal attack. The Home Secretary has informed me she has enough troubles of her own and is making her resignation statement shortly. The Chief Constable has blundered and sent some officers around to my second home by mistake. My twin brother who was baby sitting for me at the time has suffered some serious burns from the X26 tasers. This is another matter I will raise with the Home Secretary as this has left him with an embarrassing twitch.

The cost for the replacement hand carved door which they damaged beyond repair is ₤3678.00 including fittings.

In recent times I have been very, very stressed. It is important for my health that I take my vacation before the summer recess. I envisage the World cruise will keep me and my family out of the country until the next election, so please forward my claim for holiday connecting flights to Florida and send this payment as soon as possible.

My role as a Member of Parliament has been brought into question by my Local Party Association therefore I am serving you notice that it is my intention to stand down at the next election. Despite the strong support of my constituents.

Please send me the details of the severance terms and resettlement packages that are at my disposal.

Could you also please inform the Speaker that I most humbly apologise for the unforgivable comments I made about him on Question Time last week. This was wholly due to a member of the public asking me an awkward question about his performance in the Commons.

Thank you in advance.

Your Honourable servant.

RH Sponger MP

Flipping heck! I forgot all the mortgages were paid up never mind a few more bob will not go amiss. Some more adult films will put the constant pressure of my constituents surgery work behind me over the summer holidays. That reminds me 4 more sunbeds from Argos.

Sob! The fees office have suspended all further payments until the audit is finished.

Non elected dictatorship revelations.

The modern platforms for journalism have taken the place of witch ducking and public shaming in stocks. Alas it has also replaced hanging and flogging but I think the heads of the guilty on pikes along the banks of the river Thames and over Westminster Bridge all the way along Whitehall and a few on top of Big Ben would look nice.

The media on behalf of the mob (Joe public) have used all of its means of communications and resources to make transparent the gentlemen’s club practices of Masonic avarice.

Watergate was heralded as a great expose and service to the American people. The threat of impeachment restored democracy. The source was known as “Deep Throat.” Snoutgate has not run out of dirty little secrets. The source has not been revealed I think the whistleblower should have the code name “Bottomless Trough.”

Will the Public servants who have not taken their seats in Parliament be exposed how much were they claiming on expenses?

Will the information about Teflon Tony be revealed? This is rumoured to be super redacted to the point of obliteration.

The squeals from the oinkers and the clatter of trotters running for cover down the halls of Westminster will continue long after the summer recess. The trough runneth dry methinks.

The guilty have vented their reasons for taking the cash and pursuing their squalid lavish existence serving their constituents. ‘The rules allowed it we had an exemption which was not of our making. It was the speaker and the fees office they made us do it.’

Every day the numbers increase ‘I am going to stand down at the next election.’ Shame on you! What you really meant to say is ‘I am going to fill my boots and max out with the golden goodbye deal.’

After decades of pilfering with flipping, phantom mortgages second home fiddles, no capital gains tax on flipped homes the wriggling fraudsters who have swindled the tax payer have no excuses.

The Nuremburg defence has reared its ugly head with the accused hiding behind the green book. Duck me!

The dishonourable miscreants now face the court of public justice and also the sword of public opinion at the polls.

The rabbits have been caught in the glare of the headlights they are starring into the abyss with no answers. The truth…. They do not like the truth!

They have retreated into the depths of Westminster to hide from wrath and spectre of the downtrodden mob and revolting citizens. The electorate have been giving it to the sops who have milked the public purse. They are now having to face up to the hatred, ridicule and contempt.

They hide in their warrens. ‘My family need more of my time the pressure of constituency work has taken its toll on me. It was an inadvertent oversight. It was a mistake. An unfortunate administrative error. In hindsight I should have known better.’

The mealy mouthed excuses do not fit their socially engineered profile.

Rampant myxomatosis has infected the Westminster village they are running for the golden goodbye exit door. The new game show has begun “I’m an MP get me out of here.”

The political elite find their servants and serfs unwilling to pay taxes for the peerage ‘chicken run’ to the other place. The curriculum vitae have been flooding into the Prime Ministers office. All aboard the ermine lifeboat, a peerage in the upper house.

Man overboard Prime Ministers first.

The prophecy of the doomsday scenario 325 résumés and rising.

Ah! The sweet smell of expenses. No more peasants and revolting citizens. The House of Lords the last bastion of the good life. Loads of brown envelopes. No more selection committees.

The reward for failure is the default setting for greed and wealth. It is a prerequisite in the DNA of the ultimate dishonourable hypocrite.

The whimpering and sophistry of the self serving self justifying victimised who have been rumbled. The cringing spectacle of public remorse and hand wringing …. “Not me guv. It was the system the rules were observed they said no problem.”

The idea that they have been stupid is repugnant to the fiddlers. Their reputation and moral authority are paramount. These trivial accusations have no right to be in the public domain.

It is galling the insatiable appetite they emit to fund their lifestyles whilst wallowing in swill. The rants of the serfs and peasants are justified.

Who do they think they are failed bankers? Go see Myners he will sort you out an unfunded taxpayers pension.

I have to urge Sir Alan Sugar to stand for an MP as there will be many vacant seats come the day of reckoning and he would be my nomination for Speaker. He would also look splendid in tights.

My nomination for deputy Speaker is Brian Blessed. He would also look fantastic in a nice wig and tights.

I have a vision of Sir Alan being dragged by his buckled shoes to the Speakers chair.

‘This is a terrible mess. A total lack of understanding of right and wrong.The right honourable member has no backbone to preserve ethical behaviour and trust.….. You’re fired!’

‘But! Look here is a duplicate cheque showing the full amount I have paid back to the fees office.’ The Right Honourable Sponger protests.

‘Order!….Order!………Order! The honourable member must let me speak he has no tangible reason for the other honourable members beating the duck out of you!’

“But the fees office told me to do it.” The dishonourable member croaks.

“I have listened to your excuses and so have the public is the honourable member quackers?”

“In the name of God go…………. Order!……. Order!…..…..Order!”

“Smile at us, pay us, pass us; but do not quite forget, For we are the people of England, that never has spoken yet.”

Did Martin Bell spend his whole life reading The Secret People?

Thank goodness they are over there and I am over here. I could get quite upset!

Any bidders for the  MEP’s expenses disks?

“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

Breaking News – Those greedy pigs. Taxpayers foot the bill as MP’s employ the whole family and are probably claiming for the household pet as a guard dog as well.


Have a nice day.






Comments imported from my previous weblog host.

Patman says:

04 June 2009 01:02

That is one hell of a comment. Well spoken!



About Umpius

I retired and moved to the Costa del Sol in 2003 and I now live in the Jalon Valley which is in the Costa Blanca area.
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