About an inspiration for a weblog name

Many years ago I was watching the Life of Brian and Pontius Pilate had a very well endowed gweat fwiend my imaginary alter ego was widiculed. This caused me many twoubled sleepless nights.

Perhaps my blog name got some legs from Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner ‘Guided Muscle?’ Where coyotes pseudo-latin name is “Eatibus almost Anythingus” and the road runner is “Velocitus Delectiblus.”

Did listening to Ian Dury singing about being autistic have an influence? Anyway one morning I awoke from the wrong side of the bed and; “Euweeka!”


Umpius MexicanasA sudden ambition of sharing my misery with the masses via a blog evolved when a call came up the stairs. “Are you going to get out of that pit of yours and eat these bacon sandwiches misery guts?”




Hence: Umpius Grumpias (Humpyus – Grumpyass)

Since moving to Spain we spend time visiting and hosting for our circle of friends and visiting many acquaintances. My busy wife fits in her Spanish and Yoga lessons and is doing lots of part time charity shop stuff arranging events and shows. The voluntary work at the animal rescue centre is her latest pastime. She enjoys the company of her fellow workers and the bartering with the customers over the price of the charity goods. Alas, she also likes the markets and shops!

Like most expats we contribute to the animal rescue fund raising events by going to as many as we can fit in. For my part it is mostly the buffet that gives me the urge to go and sample as many bits of food that I can pile onto one plate in one go. You know how it is two visits to the buffet table and your life is crap for the next few months. No more bacon in the fridge for weeks.

We have a diamond of a podenco and a cross breed lap dog she is nicknamed monster. We rescued both of them a few years ago and they get us out on all the walks. They have many amigos.

For my part in-between eating out, drinking, sunbathing, swimming, walking the dogs and gossip. I spend the rest of the time comfort eating when the Spanish life stress gets to me. Scoffing fantastic home made pasties and pies or tapas or anything edible really. I have been doing a lot of quick defrosting lately.


Life of Umpius Grumpias


What are the motivating factors?

This all sort of brings my focus back to the secret life of Umpius if you were to put me on the couch today for a Q&A session to profile my blogging CV credentials.

Brainstorm → Three cells : Who are you? → Who am I? : Troll → Axe : Sinister → Common Purpose Graduate : Banker → Spiv : MP’s → Expenses : Bullwhip → Gaunty : iTunes → Piracy : Swivel eyes → Loony : Blair → Megalomaniac : Sex → Birthday : Gordon Brown → Fail : Challenge → Incentive : Oral → Toothpaste : Politics → Rant : Food → Where? : Cameron → You’re Fired! : Clegg → UKIP : Ed → Mr. : Salmond → Pink or Red : Blog comment → Sob! : Inclusive → Phone-in : Swimming pool → Noise : HTML → Pasty : Plugin → Trouble : Code bugs → Kill : LBC → Suicide : Favourite song → Titanium by David Guetta ft. Sia : Most played music → O Fortuna by Carl Orff : Cider → Mumba caliente por favor.

Choose any of those two opposing words taken from this brief Q&A time date. Fill the spaces in between stir it up and another blog is born; or in my case what actually happens the two words are let’s call them cells and they morph into a monster blog comment. (rant)

So where does all this undiluted drivel get it’s influence? Perhaps Viz and Mad magazines that I read on past dentist visits. Maybe reading hundreds of glossy mags; American Classic paleeze!

Or inspiration from listening to Gaunty, Whaley and Littlejohn and occasionally some House of Commons Questions. Clarkson verbal and written only, not lectures on driving. My money’s on Bluebottle.


Umpius-Grumpias-Moan v2

Click the cartoon for a video link


Back to the blog, my attempt I hope fulfils a web logs quest. Will I achieve the hits and earn a few more cents towards that C6 ZR1? I fear at the moment the AdSense registration is a mere distant thought. Hopefully the forthcoming and sadly very few comments may find solutions and cures for Rantitus.

On rare cloudy days I tap away here on my super D-Wave computer at mission control in my genuine Jacaru skippy hat complemented with a black mask fashioned and crafted from a snooze mask. I will rename my podenco ‘Tonto.’


Umpius New Address


What greater adulation can you have than the kind of comments I delete from the spam filter from my new age poison pen friends.

What does the future hold for Grumpias? I think the outlook is bleak as the amount of views and comments I am generating means that I have been a miserable failure. Why should I waste a phone call to the Samaritans which will only be forwarded onto a Hamas volunteer call centre?

Viewer apathy and comment has diminished to lower levels than a General Election turnout. I think I am discovering the root cause of my weblog rant.

Does the future look bright for Umpius, Tonto and monster? Awww! Look at him in his little black mask. The idea brewing somewhere in the back of my nitrous addled mind is a dissertation (blog) in fewer than 50000 words so as to keep it short and sweet about the influence of weblogs and the link to Egyptian pharaoh’s through the centuries. Researching minutely the intervening decades of rule during the period of the Roman Empire.

Thesis Structure

The big questions. Were hieroglyphics and scripts an early BC blog? Mind numbing consideration about the content of scrolls and tablets on mountain tops. Were these the foundations for bloggers. Monoliths did they play a part? The big discussion, scarabs transformation and resurrection and evolution and their possible social and behavioural similarities to cockroaches. It all ends with someone being stabbed in the back.

Another thesis subject that I have considered is about hop flavour comparisons between Double Diamond draught of old and Spitfire premium Kentish ale. Which one hurts your head the most? Can this activity assist brain cell regeneration and take the place of stem cell farming? Blah! Blah! Blah! Again this ends up with someone being stabbed in the back.

I have been researching the subject with gusto over recent decades and the related heuristic findings are:-

This following quote is totally plagiarised from Wikipedia so I am fessing up to avoid academic censure! Look up Self-plagiarism OMG!

“For instance, people may tend to perceive more expensive beers as tasting better than inexpensive ones (providing the two beers are of similar initial quality or lack of quality and of similar style). This finding holds true even when prices and brands are switched; putting the high price on the normally relatively inexpensive brand is enough to lead subjects to perceive it as tasting better than the beer that is normally more expensive. One might call this ‘price implies quality’ bias.”

True or False? Magners cider is 5 euros a bottle around here! Is Mahou better at 1.50 euros?

If San Miguel is introduced at 2.50 euros. Then Spitfire Ale (bottle) at 4 euros.

This is going to require a complicated algorithm and a shed load of coding. I think I will try something else.

Or a simple dissertation (e-book) on the parallels between blogs and real time media.

The structure to include: Going Viral – Sharing – Retweeting – Republished – Commented on – Blogged about – Talked about – Forwarded by email – Facebook networking. Controversial comment – Expansion of blog roll contacts – SEO – Key Words – Google Analytics – Meta Tagging – Device Compatability – YouTube ranting etc.

What gets the hits and views? Is it a quirky picture or an in-depth look at the events of the day or is it dedicated followers of childish trivia? What generates reaction and makes you ooze superiority and become a supercilious authority on putting the world to rights? Is it possible to bludgeon readers with popularist clap trap by being an intellectual pretentious boor.

Is an idiots guide to hints on going viral any good? When I Googled this for some information on how to get millions of views the search results were surprising. ‘Visit a brothel and make a guest appearance on embarrassing bodies.’ Was not the sort of publicity I was seeking.

“Euweeka!” How about a Russian talking meerkat ad campaign? ‘Go to Umpius Grumpias.com. But how on earth do I put all this into practice with a budget of 150 euros?

Is the way forward coexistence, respect, politeness? Despite troll proactive negativity and learning difficulties regarding response comment rules. I suppose my destiny will involve dedicating some more time on another thesis project. No research or swotting required. Loads of stabbing in the back and foul language in this one.

Is it the end of the road for Grumpias? What does the future hold? I will see how it goes and I might expand the theme of the blog. Sadly global snoops have such power! Hosting providers are so omnipotent!

Beware of Malware key logger botnet code! Pass the fava beans and a nice chianti! “Kiptin the CPU canney tayke nay moor.” The voices tell me.

The googled cookies are getting confused and require purging. The heat sink on the LaCie terabit is causing the desk to smoulder! EEEEeeek!

Look out for the forthcoming scary blog. It is going to be dramatic original stuff. With titles like ‘We are all doomed!’ Blast! I think someone has already done it!

Ho-Hum! Pass the phone.

So my dear visitor by now you would have sussed that I did not make the grade and achieve an English A level GCSE. I did however get a certificate for being clear of STD’s.

I humbly plead for your patience whilst you attempt to read my weblog and ignore the poor grammar and unrelated context.

In mitigation: I do not employ a proof reader and my podenco is dyslexic.




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