Un dia en la playa
Featuring The Rissoles Family:-
- Zachariah Rissole
- Norma Jeane Rissole
- Tiffani Rissole
- Randy Rissole
“Come on you three hurry up or we will never get parked. We will end up parking right up the top of the hill and have that long walk back when we are all knackered and hot later” screams Zack from the front door. All their beach kit is piled up in the hallway.
“Calm down dear! I must just do the final check and make sure we have got everything that we need. Come and help me will you?” Norma Jeane gets the check off list out.
“Can I help mummy?” Little Tiffani presses her hands together as if in prayer.
“Of course you can help moi daarlin. Here we go then. One rucksack each, four shoulder bags the bright orange ones not the pink, four folding low beach chairs, two fold up sun beds, two packs of wind breaks and the mallet, one large beach igloo plus two small umbrellas and four three metre ones and the fold up table. Is the portable barbecue already in the car?”
“Yup!” sighs Zack.
“Our big cool box plus the ice blocks, eight single litres of water, two dozen assorted beers, CocaCola lights, two bottles of Pepsi for the kids, flask of tea, flask of coffee, salmon sandwiches, crustless ham and cheese sarnis, fresh pineapple slices, four apples, four bananas; Santa Anna crisps, knifes, forks, Swiss army knife?” Norma Jeane ticks them off the printed out check list. “Burger buns, burgers, sausages, tomato sauce, ribs?”
Zack’s eyes roll skyward. “Can we get a move on?”
Tiffani chips in. “Can I tick some mummy?”
“Of course you can dhaarleeng.” Norma passes the check off list to Tiffers.
“Ready daddy.” Tif takes charge of the clip board and pen.
Ah! Bless! “Come on my little helper what’s next then?”
“Sun tan creams the factor 4, 15, 20, 30, and 50, one Boots anti allergy factor 8, spry crisp and dry, lip balm, nurofen, wet wipes, anti-histamine cream, plasters, tissues, cotton buds, mosquito repellent, iodine, cotton wool pads, nail board, nail varnish and varnish remover, compact and mirror? You must say “yes” daddy otherwise we will make a mistake.”
Zack unclenches his fists. “What is next then babes?”
“Bucket and spade, blow up paddling pool, four lilos, foot air pump, water pistols, Barbie doll and accessories?”
“Yes!……Yes! and…. Yes! Sweetheart.”
“Daddy you only said yes to three things what is missing?”
Norma Jeane takes the list from Tiffani. “Let me finish this now darleeing. You go to the toilet before we go. Randy will you put that iPad down and help daddy.”
“I hate going to the beach I am going to stay here and play with Ramone.” Randy mumbles under his breath whilst still emerged in the iPad.
“Right! Ready misery guts? Sunglasses, reading glasses, books, newspapers, magazines, beach towels, toilet roll, folding shovel, iPod, iPad, Nintendo DSI, PSP, two Kindles, ear phones, digital SLR 200 x zoom lens camera, video camera, spare batteries. mobile phones, radio, baseball caps, straw hat, Jacaru hat, head bands, bandanas?”
Norma takes a deep breath………… “Cigarettes, your Golden Virginia, lighter, matches, fag papers?”
Zack looks around the mountain of beach kit. “Where’s my telescopic fishing rod and bait. Football, beach ball, table tennis bats and ping pong balls. My Kite the Surf board and binoculars? Put them on that bloody list I told you yesterday to do it!”
The Yaris is all packed. Snuffles the terrier jumps in and off they go. “Did you put some dog food in for Snuffles?” Norma gives Zack the death stare.
“No! Did you?” Replies Zack through grinding teeth. “He can have your gala pie.” As they approach the top of the hill just before the road winds down the few miles to the beach they pull up behind the traffic jam. “I knew it, look it is absolutely packed no parking anywhere. We will have to go further down the coast.” Groans sherpa Zack.
“Are we there yet?” Tiffani looks out the back window from under the five hundred weight of beach gear.
Whilst she is fighting with the reams of maps Norma shouts “Look go down here!” pointing to the “Playa” sign that is on the corner of a little track.
After a few kilometres of bumpy sandy track they emerge into a small car park. “Jeezus! Are there any spaces?” The Yaris double parks blocking a motorbike in.
An old wooden sign carved into the shape of a pointer has Playa scrawled on it with male and female symbols graffitied on each end of it. “This way campers. Marche ou crève!” Donkey dad is off at hikers pace.
“Where is the sea daddy?”
“We will get there in a minute mind you don’t drop the portable barbecue sweetheart just a little bit more.” Zack gestures the direction with a swing of the surf board on his head.
As Norma Jeane and Tiffani emerge from the track in between the dunes Zack is down to his thong and has nearly got everything set up. He has found the perfect spot underneath three date palms which are leaning over the Bedouin camp he has erected at the edge of the sand dunes.
Norma’s sweaty face turns into a beaming smile “Blimey! What a fantastic beach it is huge, where are they all? It is fabulous it is just like an oasis. Well done honeybunch!”
“This will do us love it is as empty as the bars on the Paseo. Who wants a beer? Where did you put the water bowl for Snuffles?”
“What is the time?” Norma Jeane calls out as she pours herself a large wine and relaxes back into a low beach chair.
Zack has a rummage in the beach bag hanging from his three metre umbrella. “Just turned 9.30 I wish we had stopped for breakfast now.”
Norma calls to Tiffani. “Come here dahleeeen let mummy put some factor 50 suntan cream on you. Please keep your hat on we don’t want you getting heat stroke again. Daddy will finish blowing up the rubber tyre for you in a minute. I told him the foot pump was busted but he will not listen to us will he?”
“Daddy I want to go number twos.” Tiffani’s face turns into a red grimace.
Zack puts his hands onto his knees wheezing like an asthmatic that has lost his pump. “Mummy will take you sweetheart I still have another two lilos to finish blowing up.”
Norma is not impressed. “You lazy toad I’m going to polish off these two bottles of wine and have a few large vodka and tonics. Then I am going to have a kip! You dare disturb me and you will regret it.”
“Daddy please hurry up!” Tiffani is running around in circles and screaming. This is a great game for Snuffles as he tries to rip the flip flops from her feet as she whizzes around.
“Okay! Okay! Let’s not wake mummy up from her sunbathing. Where is Randy?” enquires Zack.
“You did not check he was in the car did you?” A squiffy Norma Jeane retorts.
Zack and Tiffani set off towards the dunes as they walk along a couple of bronzed body builders holding hands come skipping onto the beach from the car park track. They are wearing bright yellow spandex vest tops and black spandex shorts.
They have little pink rucksacks strapped on both have a designer logo stitched on them ‘His.’ They are wearing the same cute black rubber booties as well. Zack taps his lips with a straightened forefinger and looks puzzled as he watches them disappear into the heat haze at the surfs edge.
“Just go over there sweetheart behind that big sand dune daddy will wait here, take the toilet roll with you.” Zack takes another guzzle from his can of cerveza.
“Did you forget the folding spade daddy?” Tiffani runs up to the top, she waves to Zack and goes behind the dune. About ten minutes passes by then Tiff calls out. “Daddy you know that talk we had about Flopsy and Mopsy and what they do all day? Well two are at it over here.”
“Stay there Tiff!” Zack screams. He scrambles to the brow of the dune his foreign legion white kepi hat neck protector flaps away in the wind as he grabs hold of Tiffani he spots two rabbits that are running off over the next dune chased by Snuffles.
“Did you see them daddy? I named them Thumper and Dumper.”
When Tiff and Zack get back to base one of the Rissoles´ mobiles is ringing and Zack answers it. After listening for a few moments he replies. “Put water in the kettle then wait until it has boiled, then you put a tea bag in the cup and half a teaspoon of sugar then you pour the hot water in and stir the tea bag around and then squeeze out the tea bag with the spoon then throw the tea bag in the bin. Then put a little drop of milk in and stir it up. Bye!”
“Who was that?” Norma stirs drowsily from her sleep.
“Randy! He wanted a cup of tea.” The mobile rings again. “Yes if Ramone wants one you use another cup and do the same as before.”
Ah peace! The sun tan cream is all slapped on and rubbed in and the cool breeze was just right causing the palm tree fronds to swish and rustle together, only the sounds of the crashing waves and the foaming surf that was making the shingle dance and sing disturbed natures tranquillity. This is the life Zack thinks to himself sod those biased television programmes paradise lost – Paradise here it is!
The morning hours drift by Tiffani was digging holes at the waters edge and snuffles was helping her. A cruise liner was on the horizon slowly making its way along the coast to some far off exotic destination. “Muppets!” Zack raises his can of beer “bon voyage!”
Sitting up in the chair under his umbrella it is time for a sarni Zack polishes off the Tupperware box of salmon sandwiches. Still hungry Zack rummages deeper into the cavernous cool box. He grumbles to himself “Where the hell are my ciders?”
Norma Jeane is in the shade under one of the other umbrellas laying on her front with a towel over her head and snoring. Zack’s eyes are closed he does not see or hear the three stunning senoritas that come walking by.
Some sixth sense stirs Zack’s day dreaming he starts involuntarily sniffing the air he then lazily half opens one eye just in time to see one giving him a little wave and smile. They start laying their gear out in front the Rissoles´ camp and staked out beach property.
Zack drools bits of melon into his lap as his jaw drops. He then starts dribbling and mumbling gibberish. His eyes are hidden by his dark sunglasses are out on stalks. First the tiny bikini tops come off. Then the bottoms then they start rubbing coconut oil onto each other.
“Don’t wake up.” Zack repeats over and over. He runs over to screw their umbrellas into the sand properly to stop them keep blowing over. “No problema!” he says whilst adjusting his thong which has become all twisted.
“Daddy what are you doing? Are you taking pictures for the computer?” The girls have been joined by another four stripped stunners and they are playing beach volley ball with the ball Zack had kindly donated. This is followed up by some stretching exercises and gymnastics. Then piggy back racing and a game of leap frog.
They all stand in a circle throwing the Rissoles´ Frisbee to one and other. Drinking another beer Zack’s head is going up and down and from side to side as he watches all the action he becomes more and more mesmerized and falls off his chair and is on all fours on the sand.
Norma Jeane growls from under the towel. “What is all the noise? Will you stop Snuffles panting he is driving me mad.”
Zack leaps up pointing to his imaginary dog. “Bad boy Snuffles go back in your igloo! Ooh! My head is thumping I need some headache pills.” Opening up the first pack of tablets he finds in the first aid box he downs two triangular blue tablets with a beer.
“Pina!…..Helado!…. Pina!…….Helaado!……Pina!…. Coco rico!” Sings a naked Spaniard wearing a straw hat. He has a huge cool box over his shoulder . “Isa creeemme! Tootsy frutsy!……Isa creeme!…….Toootsy frutsies!”
“Dos helados señor por favor.” Zack motions with his hand as if drinking a beer pointing to Norma Jeane who is still sparko on her sun bed.
All the beach games have finished and the babes are all having a rest and sunbathe. “Tengo los agujeros hechos en las orejas.” One says to another giggling beauty. Smiling Zack wonders what they are saying about him. Probably thank you for the ice creams he bought them all.
A young naked couple come jogging along and join the growing crowd. They throw down their towels in a little gap still left on the Rissoles´ beach real estate. They start jumping up and down on the spot, first the arms outstretched then the legs apart. Then bending over touch one opposite foot then the other one puts a leg over the others shoulder doing calf stretches.
They gesture to Zack asking for something in Spanish. Standing to attention and dropping his thong into the sand he finally understands the hand signals message, they want to borrow his mobile phone which was tucked into his thong side strap to make a call.
Unawares to Zack, Tiffani is shouting into the living dead’s ear hole. “Mummy daddy’s sunglasses are steamed up.”
“What’s the matter daarlin.” Norma Jeane twists and turns over to see a huge pair of niagras blocking out the sun. “Ohhh! My! God!
“You want some DVD’s boss?” A naked lookey-lookey man asks Norma Jeane. Norma goes cross eyed and sucks down a gulp of neat vodka straight from the bottle.
Another naked statuesk lookey-lookey man parades past. “You want some sunglasses? You want a new watch boss?” He asks Norma Jeane pointing to a line of them strapped on his dingaling.
“Ohhhh! Myyyy! God! How much is the Rolex at the top?” Norma Jeane puts her reading glasses on.
Zack interrupts the sales pitch. “Sorry I did not wake you up dearest I think we have strayed onto a nudist beach. What luck eh?”
“You disgusting pervert put your trunks back on.” Norma scolds Zack.
Shocked at Norma’s outburst Zack blows his top. “You started it! Stripping off like that because nobody was around you said!”
A crowd of nudists come running out from the dunes chasing one and other, they dive into the surf and jump up and down frolicking in the sea.
“Norma could you put some sun cream on my back?” pleads Zack as some strange urges he faintly remembers start overpowering him.
“Will you stop dribbling? Look at the state of your back you have burnt it turn over and get some sun on your front. Pass me eighteen euros for this Cartier divers watch.”
“Daddy your glasses have steamed up again.” Bertie Smalls shouts out.
Zach sighs. “Eat your ice cream darling!”
“She is younger than you mummy and you are far more hairy.” says Tiffani pointing to the naked massage girl rubbing oil into Zack’s back.
Norma loses her patience. “Get back in your beach igloo Tiffani! It is time for your sleep.”
“Mummy where is Barbie’s´ wedding dress?” Tiffani’s bottom lip protrudes. “Waaaaaaaagh!”
Things are getting busy as the sun drifted towards the distant mountains. Luca and Bob the crimp turn up with Richard who has sprained his ankle. (Limpy Dick) He is staggering along behind them on his crutches which keep getting stuck in the soft sand. “Do you mind if we set our things up just here beside you, it seems like you are having a wonderful party.” Gushes crimp looking over the top of his sunglasses at the lookey-lookey man showing off his watches.
The Rissoles are now completely surrounded by the addition of four Scandinavian families who have also turned up and stripped off. They had come roaring along the beach in their dune buggies and unloaded more kit than the Rissoles could dream of.
Zack was impressed with their super mega cool boxes stuffed full of special brews and a half fifty gallon drum on a stand for a barbecue for their hog roast.
Incredibly the whole beach is empty except the few metres around the Rissoles.
Snuffles is having a lash on every new pile of clothing and beach towel that is left unattended. True to his name he greets newcomers by goosing them with his wet nose. He is having great fun chasing around and chewing up all the smalls he can get his teeth into. Zack joins Snuffles by playing tug of war with the bikini tops.
Zack is a bit more relaxed after his massage and games with Snuffles and fancies some more grub. Opening the cool box he lets out a howling shriek “Oh! That’s just great! Who has eaten my squid bait? Norma have you seen my fishing bait?”
“No I bleeding haven’t! Some of your girlfriends had some of your beers maybe they ate it. Have you seen the price of this Omega?” Norma Jeane zips the door of her beach igloo back up. “Gosh! Is that the time?”
Another lookey–lookey man looks over and asks Zack “you want a carpet or beach towels boss.” He twists around and calls over to crimp and co. “You want handbags boss?”
“Over here luvey” beckons one of the spandexless bodybuilders who has returned from the jog and is having a chat with Luca. He is eyeing up a nice silver sequin encrusted clutch bag.
His chum is doing press-ups with one arm behind his back. The senoritas are clapping flamenco style in unison to his display.
Pie eyed Zack surveys the scene and comments out loud “What a wuss! Watch this!” He pulls a couple of cooked sardines from the stick over the camp fire and places them on his head. They are standing up like feathers behind his headband. “It’s Sam’s ones day!” He shouts out.
The flamenco clap quickens then with all the skill of a numbnuts he leaps backwards over the camp fire “Whoomph!” The massage oil flash ignites all his body hair.
The senoritas clap even faster as Zack leaps around doing an Indian war whoop. The blue aurora gently licks around him and finally singes off his few wrap over locks and cremates the sardines which sizzle and pop as the headband disintegrates!
Limpy calls over to Zack who is splashing water over his maracas in the sea. “We have not seen your family on the nudista Playa before do you like it here?”
“Hasta la vista, baby! I’ll be back!” moans Norma Jeane from inside her beach igloo. She reminds herself to tell her friend that she found the beach and Linford.